cordial

cordial itu seorang kawan. A friend. cordial perisa anggur.

dearest you,
I'm sorry I'm not a good friend.
I'm sorry i kept silent when you needed a say.
I'm sorry i laughed when u needed it to be silent.
I'm sorry, that i was just simply being ignorant.

i wonder to myself if this is some kinda payback.

No, its not!

I'm just afraid to get closer.
im afraid to stir the calmness we both had.
im afraid, to relive the past.

dearest you,
find Him to pour out everything.

alas, im not to the one with the helping hand to help you in this.

please know,
i truly understand what you are feeling,
the bursting side of you, the pain,
of being torn apart inside and out..
i understand.

but dearest you,
im tired of that.
i feel like shouting at you "GROW UP!"
for that, I'm sorry again.

i hope you find your way back soon,
because i can't wait to see you standing up on your two feet,
while smiling towards me the smile you always had,
and say

"I'M BACK..."

a story~

"ustaz, ana dah ambil keputusan untuk berhenti menghafal quran"

tersentak ustz-ustz dan ustazah yang berada di dalam Jabatan Quran mendengar kenyataan yang keluar dari mulut Hafiz.

"ustaz nak tanya kenapa enta cakap mcm tu..?"soal guru tasmi' hafiz yang kini duduk berhadapan dengan Hafiz

"ustaz, ana rasa tak mampu dah nak teruskan menghafal dengan cara mcm ni. hari2 ana stress, yg paling teruknya stress dengan Quran. orang lain dekat luar tu ustaz, kalau depa stress lah depa cari Quran. ana sebab mengadap Quran tiap2 hari ana jadi stress. ana rasa kalau ana habiskan Quran ni pun belum tentu ana akan adil dengan hafalan ana. bila ana fikir mcm tu lagi lah ana stress ustaz!" terang Hafiz panjang lebar.

"enta tak ingat ke harapan mak ayah enta yang ingin lihat anak sulungnya menghafal Quran? enta tak terkenang ke kenapa mak ayah enta bagi nama Hafiz pada enta?" ustz itu terus terusan menanya. Hafiz ni bukan tak boleh buat, dia saja yang kurang yakin pd diri sendiri.

"ahh, ustaz.. itu dulu. ayah ana bagi nama itu bukan ada apa2. lagipun maksud Hafiz tu menjaga, tiada kaitan dengan menghafal Quran. lagipun waktu mula2 masuk sini, ana rasa ana terikut2 dengan program motivasi yang disediakan. haluan siswa lah, mafatih mahabbah lah... semua tu lakonan lah ustaz! ana dah tanya dah senior2, mereka semua memang pandai berlakon.."

Astaghfirullah... budak ni, aku hilang sabar jugak nnt. kata ustaz dalam hati.

"takpe Hafiz, enta balik dulu. ana nak enta fikirkan balik kata2 enta pd ana. dan fikirkan semula reaksi mak ayah enta kalau mereka dengar enta cakap begini. ana rasa enta emosi sekarang dengan keputusan imtihan sem 1 yang baru keluar. walaupun ana tengok enta boleh je, siap dapat 3.5.. mungkin general general syaitan dekat DQ ni sedang bekerja kuat nak mematahkan semangat enta yg tinggi, yg ana pernah lihat suatu masa dulu. gaya enta cakap dengan ana ni, mcm enta sedang beritahu ana yang Allah itu zalim kerana meletakkan enta di sini, betul?"

Hafiz pula yang tersentak. dia tunduk menghadap lantai

ustz kemudian menyambung
" enta sendiri tak berani nak bersuara bila ana dah ckp mcm tu kan.. ana bukan nak marah enta hafiz. enta budak cemerlang malah ana yakin enta mampu memikul amanah Allah ini utk menghafal. jangan memperlekehkan diri sendiri hafiz. enta ada Allah, mak ayah, sahabat2 dekat sini yang sentiasa mendoakan enta. akal kita bila berfikir mesti didorong oleh hati, mulut bila berkata-kata mest didorong dengan hati. dan hati yang mendorong itu mestilah bersih. bagaimana lagi enta nak bersihkan hati enta kalau bukan dengan Quran...?"

"ana minta maaf ustaz. mungkin ana terlalu stress..."

"enta balik dulu asrama ye, enta fikirkan semula. nah ustaz pulangkan kembali surat berhenti enta ni. ana tak boleh terima surat ni selagi enta tak betul2 bagi alasan yang kukuh.. enta dah juzu' berapa skrg ni?"

"juz 16, nak masuk surah taha" balas Hafiz perlahan sambil tertunduk.

"ahsanta. enta teruskan menghafal dulu. hayatilah maksud surah taha tu..........Assalamualaikum"

*****

Hafiz berjalan mundar mandir di sekitar kafe. perutnya terasa lapar, namun hatinya tidak tenang. di tangannya masih tersemat surat yang ustz Safwan pulangkan.

setelah beberapa ketika hafiz membuat keputusan untuk pulang sahaja ke asrama utk bersiap sedia ke masjid bg menunaikan solat zohor berjemaah.

sampai di hadapan pintu bilik hafiz, terselit sekeping nota kecil berwarna kuning di celah pintu. Hafiz kenal tulisan itu,.. itu tulisan akh marwan. akh marwan, abang sem 6 yang selalu tersenyum kepadanya walaupun die yakin akh marwan tidak begitu mengenalinya. hafiz menarik nota kecil itu dan membacanya.

"jangan cuba dikawal arah taufan,
tetapi kawallah layar kehidupan,
tak perlu diukur dalamnya lautan,
tapi panjangkanlah kail yang sejengkal."

hafiz mendengus. amboii akh ni, mcm ada telepathy je. mcm tau2 je masalah aku nak berhenti hafal Quran. alah, akh memang suka dengan bahasa jiwang sastera dia. tak habis2 nak berpantun, bersajak.

Hafiz merenyuk nota kecil itu dan menyimpannya di dalam pencil case. malas aku nak layan akh ni, skrg aku ada masalah yg lebih besar, desis hati hafiz. namun hati kecil nya sedikit sebanyak...tersentuh dengan kata-kata akh marwan.

"ALLAHUAKBAR, ALLAHUAKBAR!" -Azan zuhur berkumandang.

Hafiz bergegas mengambil wudhu' dan segera membonceng basikalnya ke masjid DQ untuk menunaikan solat berjemaah.

"Allahuakbar......(Allah Maha Besar)" dan seisi warga DQ mengangkat Takbir.

**** 2bcont

Engaged~!

Alhamdulillah, today the engagement of k.sarah and aqil went well~! yeppieee!


the formal talking didn't last for too long anyway, and it was great! we all had a laugh as soon as my dad started the pantun. and the funny part was pihak perempuan tak siapkan pantun pun! bt the spokesperson for the girls side was much calmer than my dad, macam orang sastera je nampak gaya. sorry lah ye, my dad orang economy. we speak statistics~ heeee.

k. sarah was gorgeous of course. we were excited jugak lah because dah lama tak perg orang bertunang. and seeing how happy she is made me smile. I've always have this warm feeling inside when it comes to family event or anything that concerns family. so here r some of the pics taken as promised. cc: nuha, hafizah.. hehe.


*nervous nak masuk rumah with hantaran,br sampai.


*the bride's side of hantaran


* dad starting the pantun. amboii banyak betul pantun~ siapa lah yg buatkannn


*k.sarah, as gorgeous as ever~ =)


*makngah nak perg sarung cincin dah.


*us cousins.


*our parents pulak bergambar


*dah bertukar dulang dh, ready to go home


*n lastly, snap lah gambar sendiri since photographer takd orang nak amekkan gamba.. ;)

all in all, HUGE thanks to Arifuddin, Izzati, Hafizah and Nuha for helping me sooo much with the engagement. though it isn't my engagement or something, bt it means a lot! jazakumullahu khairal jaza'. korang boleh jd engagement planner lah! nnt sape2 lg tunang boleh buat team planner ;) heee~

this is to end this post, may u all be blessed. we can't wait for the wedding~!


*aqil, to-be-groom takd unfortunately. he's off to china working, and adding up his savings for the maskawen~ ;)

The End.

p/s: cik pengubat hati..


heeee~

What is to Understand

tak terasa nak menulis. terasa nak melakar dalam minda.
most of the memories r recent, and what is to understand here is that u might find it not understandable.


*cnt believe i once read this gothic book and now its coming back to me >< JTHM


*cik pengubat hati, sometimes saya rasa rupa awak macam ni.. ;)


*its the new passion of keeping the memories

and lastly..


*its not like i planned it this Way!
**credits to sarah's book. hey, i miss u buddy~

Done.

Blackouts

alaykumussalam.



i was sitting in my room alone with an unsettled feeling while suddenly thinking, it was long ago since the last time our house had blackouts. the last time as far as i remembered, it was before my spm. that nite it was all hectic here, i had some addmths work to finish, but there were no signs of any proper light the whole nite, only lit-up candles and flashlights from handphones lighted us up. we were to put up with the dark til 3am in the morning. and by that time, no point switching on the lights anyway since everybody was asleep. hehh

but this story isn't about how TNB cut off our electricity to fix something in the middle of the night. its about how all of us realized at that time that we are in need of each other to feel safe when we had to face the dark. starting from the cats, my mom, my dad, and us siblings.. as soon as the light went out, the cats were the first one to relax and calm down, and of course being the last child i was the last one to stop panicking! i remembered at that time i was in the bathroom alone, in my room which is situated at the farthest sight at the back of the house upstairs. pap! and i went screaminnnggg AAAAA til my sister came to fetch me from the bathroom with a flashlight.

the whole family gathered in a room downstairs. it was basically the coolest room inside the house since the ceiling is quite high which allowed pretty good air ventilation. there, we made circles, tell each other stories...and just went on talking for the rest of the night while i tried my hardest to finish the homework. and i realized at that point, we didn't need light after all. we were all lighting each other with our own warmth, we feel safe and secured just by having each other.

i felt the warmth again this year, when it wasn't as dark as it was. there wasn't any blackouts. but our hearts were simply blackened out, emptied and we stayed with each other, get back up again. we came back from performing our umrah when we got the news that our house was robbed. everybody was traumatized, even my dad who is simply the calmest person there. the blissfulness and happiness that we got after performing our umrah in tanah haramain simply vanished the moment we opened the main door of our house. the mess, the smell of those despicable strangers lingered in the house, making us suffocate. my sister couldn't stop crying, and i never could erase that memory when i hugged her tightly and whisper the word "astaghfirullahaladzim.." to her ears. the fear and trauma was so strong that none of us could bear to enter our parents room, up until now.

and now as I'm dealing with this unsettled feeling, i wonder...we experienced the blackouts TNB always gave us but when we have a heart blackout, to whom should we turn to? to whom should we plead to? to whom should we scream to the top of our lungs saying that we need help?

HIM...

after the incident, we thought that this test meant us to become stronger and yes, Alhamdulillah we felt that way. as we perform solat jemaah together, and plead to Allah to help us calm our hearts..i could feel that the bond we have was stronger than ever. and oddly, i was reminded of that strong bond tonite.. dearest family, my heart is in need of help. its getting out of light and soon it might just went blackout. within seconds, just like how the lights went out because of the absence of electricity.

i wish..you were here.

The weapons of the Devil.

salam and greetings.

*i wonder why did i put the devil as Capital in the title above.
**mayb because its a form of emphasis that we should all be careful?
*** but its definite, i put you as capital NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE GREAT!

-syndrome orang berperang dengan hati: berkata-kata dengan diri sendiri.

since i haven't been writing, to prevent myself from writing gibberish, I've decided to start this new season of writing by writing something beneficial that i read from a book. (yes, theres too many 'writing' in the sentence, i noe)

for those who r lucky enough to find this blog and lucky enough to have the free time to read this, may we all benefit from it, insyaAllah =)

This is basically the weapons used by the devil to make us lead the wrong path and become astray. In order to become a better muslim (insyaAllah), we need to identify the devil's devious ways to make us astray. so according to Imam Ghazali, among the devil's weapons are as follows:

1. Anger
2. Lust
3. Greed and Envy
4. Satiation with Food
5. Love of adornments and properties
6. Over dependence on humans
7. Recklessness and impetuousness
8. Love for dinar, dirham and gold (money)
9. Stingyness and miserlynes
10. Fanaticism to one's own sect and group.
11. Thinking about the substance, nature and the acts of God, without the necessary knowledge.
12. Distrust of other Muslims.

erm,,.. honestly. yang list dekat atas tu pun mcm dah ade problem. especially no.1 eyy? Astaghfirullah..
hope it helps in any way if ur undergoing some muhasabah phase here~

;) hati.

speechless

kenapa hati tak tenang ni.....???

kyaaaa!!!!

Allahuakbar~

Someone Like You

Errr, sedang di dalam fatrah exam..tp hati menerawang dekat tempat lain..apakah??

recently I've been playing the song by adele, someone like you banyak banyak banyak kali.
n i wondered why.
lagu ni orang kata untuk mereka yang frust putus cinta. -saya tak frust putus cinta. saya frust study adalah.
lagu ni jugak katanya bagi mereka yang sedang sakit menanggung perpisahan. -errr?? no comment

but come to think of it kan, the lyrics..mcm pelik!

"never mind ill find someone like you..
i wish nothing but the best for you too..
don't forget me, I beg,..
i remember you said...
sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it hurts instead..."

errr, ill find someone like you?! tak mungkin kot..mane lah nak same manusia2 dalam dunia ni.
tak payah cakap in lovey-dovey relationship, kalau kawan baik kita pun.. kalau gaduh and at the end of the day we break the relationship, and a few months after that jumpa dengan kawan baik baru, its still aint the same right?
memang namanya kwn baik jugak, but deep down, u noe that u only emptied the place, but you do not fill up the place with someone new. there is no replacement over that place..you only Make Up room for another place untuk best friend baru tu.

mujahadah itu pahit, always kena remember that.
and take note too, i can never find someone like You..

Thank you Allah, for making me see the lighted path.
sakit ke,pahit ke, kena telan jugak kan?

Sang Perindu

Allah.................

syahdunya malam ni.

Allhurabbi...rindu ni tak dapat nak ditahan.
rindu hendak menangis di sisiMu,
rindu hendak tersenyum dan ketawa di sisiMu,
rindu hendak berdamping denganMu,
rindu hendak berkata-kata denganMu,
rindu hendak sujud menghadapMu,

ya Allah...aku hamba yang kerdil,

selayakkah aku untuk menangis di sisiMu? untuk ketawa dan tersenyum keranaMu? untuk berkata-kata denganMu?

tapi siapa aku tanpaMu ya Rabbi?

siapa aku untuk tidak mengadu padaMu?
siapa aku untuk tidak ingin memohon sesuatu daripadaMu?
siapa aku.........

Mujahadah itu pahit..

Long Distance Relationship.

Salam and happy eid adha!

*mesti sedap makan daging Qurban kan? yg penting tulang2 tu jangan lupa tanam ye..

now, often we relate the title above with some girl-boy relationship. whether or not they are tied with marriage,engagement or not tied at all is subjective and depends on a person's point of view as to how he/she defines the term "relationship". only that i think personally, if the relationship isn't tied properly according to syar'ie, then why should we call it "relationship" in the first place ehh? ok, dah out of topic dah. as i was saying, people often see the term "long-distance" only happening in "boy-girl"/"pakwe-makwe"/"husband-wife" relationship. but then, i came to think, its quite the same with the relationship u have with ur close friends huh?

i recently realized how important it is to have a close friend with u by ur side....

i have a few close friends whom aren't really there all the time with me, and i have to admit its quite hard living without them by my side. i do not wish to call them "best" friends as the word describes specific meaning which also mean that i'll be judging my other "non-best" friends if i use that word. bt anyway... bcuz of them not being with me the whole time, i wld categorize myself as to having some long-distance relationship.

whats so hard with the relationship?

its when u needed them the most and that moment u happened to be so busy to tell them everything u faced in a single phone call or text messages. just to make u feel better, of course u wld contact them and sort of ask "apa khabar?" or just randomly shout out their names and send them lovey-dovey sms.. but when u really want to get serious about telling them ur problems, suddenly it kinda fade away, and suddenly tiba2 pulak u don't have time to talk to them.

because this long distance relationship involves two people, its not just you that u should be thinking about. its also orang lagi satu yang entah dekat mana tu. on ur side, u might b having some serious problems that u think u want to kill ur self this instant but who noes...maybe on the other side that person is thinking the same thing, and he/she might just be too busy as well to cope up with their own life. see how complicated things can get?

and its not like you can text/fb/call ur friend every day to share with him/her about ur everyday life..as both aren't facing the same thing in their everyday life kan? u might be pissed off with chemistry right now but the other person might be pissed off bcuz of law101 subject. and even if u have time to tell her all your problems, he/she wouldn't really get what u mean and how u feel compared to the people around u who saw u fall and get back up again.

im not saying because of these difficulties, we should all end our long-distance relationship with our close friends. I'm just saying because of all these difficulties, we shld appreciate them more and also start making ourselves strong enough to handle our own problems everyday even without them. after all, we have Allah who will never be far away from us right?.. and we can't blame them for not understanding us anymore when we tell them a problem and he/she replied differently from what we expected. well, he/she IS NOT THERE PUN KANN.

just bear in mind, that even though u guys are far apart, it doesn't mean that u are his/her past and isn't significant any longer. we just have to take things differently now. allowing ourselves to learn more about life on our own, and also allowing them to do that too. but at the end of the day, in our heart...we will always be friends forever, and love each other till the end.. =)

Allah.Love.Unity.

p/s: dedicated to my close friends whom are far away from me. i love you guys and may Allah bless our friendship.. =)

^^ al-ikthibar ^^

Al-ikhtibar...... (boleh rasa lup-dup sound when u press ur palm close to the heart)

*fear..makes us sadder.

saya tak reti nak bagitahu orang saya takut...saya reti membebel je.
and looking back at these pics somehow made me smile in the middle of fearing out**


"saya suka tengok ayah saya tidur. isnt he adorable?"



"they call us twins, and always tersilap panggil nama kitorang sbb muka nak dkt same"


"they who brought COLOURS to my life"


"the only pic i have with HER (k.naf) sitting right next to me~ epic.."


"and of course, this little fruit heart (bush hati) - betul ke ni?"

i'm kinda tired........

We can't Have Everything = Rizq

Salam.

I thought of writing this down as i was eating mee maggi in the kitchen. ha ha.

this post is specially dedicated to dear juniors who r about to sit for their SPM. its kinda like a post-SPM post, because wat I'm about to tell u is related to things that you will want to do after SPM.
i understand clearly the feeling of wanting to let go of everything and just have fun after SPM. u have been tormenting yourself for the SPM preps since u were 16 right? and i get it, SPM is a total nightmare.
so wat i did last year, was to think of as many plans that i can, to be done during the holidays. i wrote so many things that i found myself tired of the anticipation feeling i grew for that certain plans. i once planned to

1) ran away from malaysia for the whole holiday and spent time in aussie with my sister and her family
2) memorize the quran and go to some private tahfiz school,i even googled tahfiz school in aussie -DQ is a no, no
3) learn driving and get international driving license in aussie? -this is of course, absurd
4) debate as much as i want! have fun speaking up and babbling stuffs - its kinda gud, knowing that ur actually babbling stuff but people do listen to u.
5) erm, watch as many korena/japanese/taiwanese dramas i can
6) sleep and eat like crazy
7) talking to friends for as long as u can (other people pulak, mereka nak couple sebanyak mana yang mereka nak. this happens u noe, u'll find ur friend's status dkt fb nnt,sehari lepas spm terus tulis "in a relationship" or "engaged" to...........)
8) hang out with friends and do lots of shopping and wasting time!
9) go to MHI camp or any camps available
10) i even had this dream of wanting to debate with my twin and be able to break into lots of competition. and show them maahad power.


out of those ten in the list, in the end, i could only do one for the entire holiday- no 2). though it wasn't some private tahfiz school in aussie, i was grateful to get into DQ. well, i was finally grateful to be able to get into DQ this recently, so sorry for all the rantings sepanjang saya berada d DQ. ='(

and i made this one conclusion, yes we can plan all we want, we can dream about it all day long, but in the end..we can't have everything eyy. it depends on our Rizq (rezeki) from Allah and how He plans our life. although i do find myself wanting to reach for other plans as well-such as debate and perhaps watching those korean dramas, it didn't seem to work. i ended up making my head more serabut with such thoughts (always thinking what IF things turned out that way supposedly,what IF things turned out this way..). my head became SO SERABUT that it made me such an ungrateful person, not appreciating what i have in my hands now.

so to begin with, if you are starting to have all those bizarre plans in mind, BE REALISTIC. only plan realistically so that u won't crush ur dreams of doing everything in the list afterwards. then, BE COOL. like i said, u can't have everything..seriously. even if u are able to do more than wat i did inside my list, but still, trust me u won't be able to do everything. next, START FOCUS BROTHER S AND SISTERS. yeah i noe korang nnt excited sangat dapat terlepas daripada belenggu SPM. but..that doesn't give u the ticket to be FREE AND DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO. its best to make the best out of the holidays by doing something u really want to do and u feel it is something really worth it. things like "lepas spm je aku nak cari awek!" or, "lepas spm je ak nak tengok cite korea 3 hari 3 malam x tido" or..."lepas spm je ak nak online dekat fb and berkenalan dengan sume contacts ak!!"..isnt really worth it eyy? wat i think i ought to do, was to think that the post-spm holidays is my ticket to MATURNESS. i could finally do something BIG and contribute something to the society. i could have fun too, but still not be too selfish and do everything out of pure entertainment. i could contribute to ISLAM, MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, AND MAYBE THE SOCIETY!

as to my case, yes i have to admit i was jealous when i see my debate family debating and becoming greater than ever. i was jealous that i couldn't join their training, i was jealous that i couldn't even get my driving license and had to sit quietly in DQ where i could only zoom around dekat bandar Kuala Kubu Bharu tu. i was jealous that i couldn't go to Paris with my family. i was jealous that why was i the only one in the family who needs to memorize the Quran as if all the responsibility to bring goodness to my family was on me. i was jealous to everything else i couldn't have, almost forgetting the real things i have.

at last, those were only My Feelings, making myself believe that I'm not at par with everybody else. thats what u get when u couldn't really fulfill your list of plans. thats what you get when...u can't have everything that u want.

Be grateful my dearest junior, and Plan Smartly.

*special dedication to my dearest Junior, Arifuddin. He made it to interview DQ today. alhamdulillah... ill be praying all along dik... =)

My Lucky Star~

Salam and greetings!

i've finished watching this long-lost drama again! my lucky star~ * XD

well, ok.. i noe i shouldn't really waste my time watching it again (I'm very sorry, dear time) but the last time i watched this was before PMR kot! it was aired some time in 2008 and ahhh, man wat a nostalgic drama!

for all who doesn't noe the existence of this drama, it is indeed a taiwanese drama (not korean). when some people might say they prefer Korean drama because these taiwanese people are too noisy, i would have to disagree with it when this drama has such an epic an nostalgic plot (really, tak main2..)

well, although the way they portray it in the drama may seem a bit corny, with some dumb jokes the taiwanese drama likes to do, but hey the plot was really nice. i mean, how many people yang boleh create that kinda love tale ehh?

so here's a bit of the story line.

My Lucky Star is a story about Ah Xing (Yoo Ha Na), a liar and a thief who copies and forges jewelries and Tian Qi (Jimmy Lin), the second son of the owner of E. Shine, a huge jewellery empire, and a world class F1 racer.

One fated day, while Ah Xing was running from the police, she accidentaly bumps into Tian Qi, Tian Qi had thought that Ah Xing has stolen his earring (truth is, it fell when they bumped into each other) and therefore he stopped her, which caused the latter to be caught.

After a year, Ah Xing is released, meanwhile Tian Qi has just gotten back to Taiwan to attend the engagement party of his brother with his (Tian Qi) ex-girlfriend. And again, Tian Qi and Ah Xing have met accidentaly. And this is when the story develops, but then there are many circumstances along the way: how will an ex-convict and an heir match each other? Also there’s the presence of Ou Ya Ruo, Tian Qi’s ex who’s still harbouring feelings for him. Most notable of this is when Tian Qi’s brother have died in a car accident and he took all the blame to Ah Xing, hating her.

-the part where they were destined to meet coincedently was pretty exciting. how u had a bad day, and when u bumped into someone who made ur day crappier, turned out to be ur true love. this drama was filmed as if it has 2 seasons fused into a single show. the first part was the part where they developed their love story, making it as if they were meant for each other come hell or high water. they were happy just having each other. but the second part was the part where we could see the hero developing his own grudge towards the heroin because he blamed her for his brother's death in an accident. for 5 YEARS, he tortured himself believing that the girl was all to blame and it was a MISTAKE to have met the girl in the first place.

but then he couldn't helped himself when the heroin appeared in front of him again accidentally, and though he intended to get his revenge, he never could have done so because the girl never left his heart from the very start. he ended up protecting her, and getting hurt whenever he saw the girl in pain...

so yeah, i was wondering if these things could ever be real in our lives. one thing, in Islam there is no coincidence. but just imagine, if one day u bumped into some guy whom u thought would made u suffer, but in the end turned out to be..ur destiny? of course there is no coincidence, its just called Fate, and how Allah has turned ur story that way. and to think of that, its pretty exciting too huh? XD

this is not some day-dreaming version of wani's. I'm only stating that anything is impossible. it might ended this way, it might ended that way, who noes. our role is to pray the best from Him and take really gud care of ourselves til the time comes. always pray for His guidance in making choices in every second of ur life. so it things like this happens to u, u'll noe He will always be there for you, and at least u have asked for Him to guide u thru the way.

anyway~ the story was awesome! minus the dumb jokes and everything. i wished the audio would be better, and they should have re-do it into HD or something. its nostalgic ok! XD

Apa nak jadi dengan..

Apalah nak jadi dengan ini...



LOL. L = Lesen Percubaan Memandu.

Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah, today it felt a bit calm with the quietness around and i began wondering about this..

my attempt to get this L license was postponed due to the packed schedule I'm having at school,university,institute,college, whatever u call it. at first i was supposed to get it done already by going to the last step: attending a 6 hours lecture of driving. but fortunately, i woke up very late after i accidentally took a nap ba'da Fajr and had no time to get ready for that 6 hours lecture. so yeah, afterwards kena call imkeda, and cakap lah yang saya ni kurang sihat and had to postpone the lectures..until Now ~ (i mentioned the word "fortunately" because on that day instead of going to the driving lectures i could go to debate training XD)

so for now, life is hectic with exams here and there, life has also been hectic with these people..



jadi Lesen L, sila sabar ye..ill come and get you once I'm stabilized XD.
*sebenarnye phobia dengan kereta....

Kesian Ibuku.

salam. rasa nak tergelak jugak bila dengar, but kesian ibuku.. hehe

yep today i was quite moody, and pergi class pun macam pelik je rasa. so when class ended, my mom picked me up and straight away her face was.."keruh"?

so then she said; tadi DQ call..
wani: ermmm, okk..?
mom: ada ustazah izan call.
wani: ustazah what?! (sepanjang hidup dkt situ x pernah pulak jumpa ustzh izan)
mom: penyelia asrama...
wani: LAAAH. PUAN NORIZAN! bukan ustazah tu...

mom: TAK BERADAB BETUL.
wani:.... *senyap je lah my mom dah marah tu..

so then she explained that puan norizan called to say that i haven't pulangkan kunci asrama yet. which yes, i haven't pulangkan kunci yet. because hari tu datang boleh pulak tertinggal kunci tersebut! and i didn't pass the key to my friends sebab as far as i noe, penyelia DQ ni banyak songeh, u have to hand the key yourself and sign some forms. yes, of course, i admit..thats my fault.

but heres the thing..

puan norizan ni boleh pulak marah mak saya yang terpinga pinga tak tahu pasal benda tu, dengan nada yang kurang sopan, nafas turun naik konon marah sangat.and she said "kami sambut dengan baik, keluar pun dengan cara baik lah."

WHAT THE FISH?!!!

kesian ibuku ok! is that how u talk to a parent? tak belajar PR ke? kalau u marah pelajar tu boleh tahan lagi masalah nye ni mak orang ok! which is like 20 years OLDER THAN you.. and my mom terus cakap "ingatkan orang DQ sume berakhlak, baik.."
so nak blame siapa kalau orang dah judge DQ macam tu because of your own lack of professionality?! aiyaaa. belajar lah PR sikit puan..

for ur info, saya keluar dengan surat pengarah ye. keizinan pengarah., if thats what u meant by "keluar dengan baik", and i even khatam 30 juz alhamdulillah, so takde nye nak menzalimi hak orang lain sebab keluar lepas dapat tawaran ke apa. bukan sengaja tak nak pulang kunci.. dah time saya keluar tu hari ahad, then hari ahad puan norizan yang baik hati ni ada ke nak tunggu saya pulangkan kunci? subhanallah..rasa moody+marah sungguh.

geram nye buat mak orang macam tu. puan, dengarlah rintihan ramai pelajar2 yang mengadu cara puan ni kurang sopan. puan garang x bertempat. so that takd lagi surat layang merepek2 sampai dekat puan.. nasib baik mak saya bukan pelajar DQ kalau tak agaknye dia pun nak hantar surat layang dekat puan.

but insyaAllah,,we won't solve this behind your back. we'll send a letter regarding your behavior. thank you.

Illegal trip to.. DQ!!!

on friday morning (almost to afternoon), i headed to ktm ukm to ride the train to DQ. masyaAllah dah lah time konvo UKM, ramai sangat kot orang.. take tabahkan hati je lah. hati dah berbungan ceria nak jump sahabat2 tercinta..

sampai2 je, pergi surprise kan penghuni2 A212. muka semua terkejut beruk sebab nampak wani. macam nampak alien je. hehe. then perg bilik lama A205, punya sedap nampak cik Faqihah tengah baca novel! caught red handed betul Faqihah nii! dah lah makin chubby. agaknye happy kot sebab dapat roomate baru ha ha ha. =)

malam tu, ada ceramah by ustz Ridhuan Mohd Nor. tajuknye islam liberalisme and pluralisme. subhanallah, rinduu sangat sangat sangat ta'lim/majlis ilmu macam ni. terbukak sikit minda pasal the things thats going around us. masyaAllah.

sambung malam yang masih muda, with conversations with k.syafiqah again then dengan budak2 FT sampai pukul 3 pagi. Atifah syaheed dull, pukul 1 lebih dah tidur. diiikuti oleh yang lain. tinggal Syi and wani je last2. and we have decided to rujuk balik..since both of us are worried about our daughter dekat Taylors tu XD.

the best part..rasa macam jadi baik balik dekat sana! hidup diberkati! subhanallah.. solat jemaah..solat sunat rawatib jadi amalan. orang bangun qiam. baca ma'thurat, alunan sahabat2 iadah Quran. tiada lagu2 berkumandang, tiada majalah2 hiburan, tiada gelak ketawa yang bersisa hiburan.. subhanallah, masyaAllah.. sayunya hati melihat perbezaan ketara bumi DQ dan bumi di luar.. padahal kita semua Islam, kita semua sama,.Hamba Allah Yang Esa..

bila tinggalkan DQ tu rasa nak meraung. ya Allah, aku kena balik semula kepada dunia aku yang sekarang. berada di tengah2 masyarakat yang tidak faham. berada di tengah2 mereka yang tidak aku kenali, as Stranger.

oh Allah, i believe, and I'm 120% sure..that semua ini ada hikmah..mengapa auk dicampakkan ke dunia..

"typical"

greetings and Salam.

today i encountered something peculiar, weird. and again, it made my head think: erk...ape benda lah yang aku portray sebenanrnye. hmphhh. pelik. pelik

i was talking to one of my friends, after eating so much for lunch. well, everyone close to me would noe that i eat a lot. so while we were talking we talked about our hobbies during our free time. hers was to be rolled in peculiar game plots and stories. she asked about mine and i honestly said that i am into korean/japanese drama. the latest prove you could get: CITY HUNTER. thats when she said that its kinda typical. and i do agree, yeah it is typical. in fact, its not really a good habit. you could spend the whole day in front of your laptop watching those korean dramas, only pausing when you need to eat or pray. you don't care about other stuffs once you get into the plots and the male character love story. and the thing that made it so typical is that the plots are almost the same. gahhh. its either the hero is too poor to get married with the rich girl, or the girl is too poor and was rejected by the hero's parents. very few had different plots, but if we look at it again, the romance genre is still the same.

nak buat macam mana, wani ni degil sangat nak buang that habit. but Alhamdulillah, dah berkurang.

the next thing that she said made my head ponder for a while. quite a while. i said that besides korean drama, I'm beginning to like reading factual books. books about philosophy, mainly islamic philosophy and history..its never bad to inculcate those habit, i thought. but then she said (of course its in a non-offensive way), that by the looks of me (i wear baju kurung/jubah with tudung labuh), yeah its typical to read those stuff. the way she said it is like reading such topics is the nature of people with similar looks of me.

hmphh. i wonder if thats true.

i monologued with myself for a while. its not that i was angry by the things that she said. she did asked me if she was being offensive and with such short-thinking i said no.

to me, she was just being honest. and honesty is the best policy. i am grateful for that.

but the thing that disturbed me was,the fact that she said reading those kinda things is typical for someone like me, and reading those things itself is typical. it means its not a unique hobby, its not something intriguing, and its not something that people would think is unique. thats her point of view. well,, ok.. maybe its not really that fun.

but heres the catch; shouldn't we all muslim delved into the world of islamic knowledge to enhance our knowledge in our own religion? so that we could understand better the things that we practice everyday. so that we could understand better the things we SHOULD practice everyday..? isn't that the real case? i believe that if it is something that we SHOULD do, it doesn't matter if we want to classify it as something typical or boring, its just something that we should do. the simplest analogy is, STUDY. eyy? lol.

isn't studying WAY TOO TYPICAL to do nowadays? u go to school since kindergarten and, ohh please! even i couldn't stand all the pressure of studying sometimes. another example would be: talking about the issues in palestine. how our brothers and sisters are bombed to death there each and every single day. how muslims of the world didn't seem to care about it thats why the media or any responsible body keep harping about it again and again. how we should actually not eat McD and support them because they use their profits to help the zionis destructing plalestine. but isn't that what we SHOULD be hearing and DO?

so is 'typical' considered relevant in this case? ..

.......

I ran away, hope I could find my way back insyaAllah.

An awesome weekend! after a tragic week!

Ahhhh. this empty heart felt like being filled in.. and its not really that cold here (anywhere ur heart is) even though outside it is raining. yesterday i went out with DQ friends to go beraya to our teachers house, ustazah syafawati.THAT WAS JUST THE HAPPIEST DAY IN THIS WEEKKK! masyaAllah i couldn't describe this longing feeling of missing them so much! even though eventually they had to be penalized for going back to DQ late, but i guess it was worth it. siap buat trademark "kelas Najmatul Ulya BLACKLIST" untuk dipersembahkan dekat ustz Dasuki. LOL. they are really awesome! and wats more, two of them had just khatam quran before raya. subhanallah, nanti iadah quran betul2 tau! ana bangga dengan antunna semua!

i really appreciate them coming for afar, getting on the train at 7am. we laughed together, discussed interesting things with our beloved ustazah, and was campaigned by some strangers to HERBALIFE. in the end all of us had to drink the herbalife product and immediately after that each of us searched for the bathroom. =) then semua orang pergi redah hujan to take some pictures, and i ended up having sore throats the next day. rasa bahagiaaaa sangat, Allah saja yang tau.

the bonus part is here! we get to buy BOOKS! not chemistry and physics books of course. after beraya rumah ustazah we went to look at some books. alhamdulillah dapat jugak beli the long-awaited buku DALAM DEKAPAN UKHUWAH. then bought asbab nuzul and 7 formulas of excellent individuals too. ya Allah, please let me finsih all those three books.

of course, it was saddening to part ways with them in the evening. they needed to go back to DQ, a place i once..dislike the system. but now, i feel like going back with them, clarifying myself as a student there.... dear friends, u guys will always be in my heart. i may not noe yet the real taste of ukhuwah..but with u guys, i feel it coming... T_T

then the next day, after having some problems with driving class (caused by myself), alhamdulillah i got the chance to attend debate training with other schools. there was arif hakimi and laila, n it was such a great experience. i got to debate again after leaving it for so long. lol as crappy as it is, I'm grateful i had that debate. at least i get to debate with other people, not myself. seeing those people who were once in my life; laila,arif, fakhry, fattah, kamalia, iman...i was really glad.

heres the catch of this post:
I've been meeting with the people in my past and the times spent with them felt so great that it felt like running away from the reality. since this week have been a tremendous blow to me, with new environment yet still to adapt, new friends whom i don't even noe their last name, and lecturers teaching in uni so fas i hardly could breath.. it really felt like I'm running away. and wats the best way to run away from reality if not by letting yourself live in the past. but thats not gona do you any good in the future is it..

so i wonder, i ran away, could i find my way back? when eventually its monday and i have to be back to hostel, i have to attend classes with strangers I'm yet to adapt, i have to accept the environment fast or else ill be the one ketinggalan.. all those things, when will i could finally find my way back. yes, i noe that i need to move forward. i need to start growing up in the real sense of growing up where nobody would wait for u. everything now starts round and about me, myself n I. its gona be tiring.. but wani, this is life. not some dream.

when..will i could finally LET GO?

"Merdeka"

Salam Aidilfitri, dear muslim brothers and sisters around the world.

Happy Merdeka, malaysians.

finally, after one month of Ramadhan, wani has yet found the true meaning of friendship, ukhuwah, and iman. once, there was this programme back in DQ. "ukhuwah day" / "muhasabah sem". so the tagline for the program was "ukhuwah is directly proportional to eeman". the tagline was created by Saffana, head girl of BPI (biro penerbitan dan informasi).

so a few months after that, i began wondering the truth behind the things that Amirah Syaha said back when it was malam muhasabah sem. "kalau saya tak dapat lagi kawan baik, saya tak rasa lagi manisnya ukhuwah, kalau akal berfikir berpandukan tagline ni, then maksudnya iman saya rendah lah kan..because if it is directly proportional, then kalau ukhuwah down, iman sure down.."

macam tu ke sebenarnye? kami yang masih mencari2 erti ukhuwah sebenar, imannya ada problem? begitu?

then i wondered too, about the things i said back then. i stood up in front of everyone, knowing at that time that i needed to say it to make my friends realize that i wasn't really that happy-go-lucky wani. i was hiding something behind the smiles i offered to them. i said " ana sebenarnye rasa, ukhuwah di DQ ni hypocrite.." yeah i noe it sounded harsh, i intended for it to be that way. but then, maybe i was the one being hypocrite to them.. thats the thing that made me wondered again..

Merdeka, apa itu merdeka? -pergi tengok video sayonara jahiliyyah dkt page fb.. thats wat merdeka.

Alhamdulillah, I'm happy. raya tahun ni alakadar,sederhana. yang penting, aman. even though nitemares still ada, but..aman. ditambah dengan diarrhea yg dihidapi pada raya kedua, mungkin kafarah dosa. tp Alhamdulillah..

n bila tengok gambar raya kawan2, rasa lagi bahagia. rasa lagi gembira. am happy, seeing them happy, from afar.

ayah dan ibu, i noe I've done tones of dosa2 yang mungkin takkan sempat nak tebus balik dengan kebaikan sepanjang hidup di dunia ni. but please noe. i didn't mean to hurt u. boleh tak nak buat system, kalau kita sakitkan mak ayah kita, please dont make them hurt by it, tp sakit tu balikkan dekar diri sendiri? so that anak2 boleh tahu sakitnya macam mana..

Maaf Zahir dan Batin semua..

semoga amalan kita diterima Allah...

teach me about myself.

seribu satu perasaan bila tengok gambar ni. the rainbow, shows how far this life could be far-fetched. the black n white, macam shows how kelam it could be.

Rational, yet Emotional. boleh ke?

kenapa blog ni mcm moody n negative thinking je?

1)bcuz i only write here when I'm moody.
2)yes, when I'm moody and something upsets me ill think negatively most of the time
3)yes, I'm tired of it too
4)yes, i cannot do anything about it YET.

post ni panjang actually, but was deleted after feeling like my story are easily exposed here. nak cerita, tapi tak nak cerita. kalau tak cerita, sakit jiwa. kalau cerita, lagi sakit jiwa. tapi sampan bila tak nak cerita? lol. I'm still sane, don't get me wrong.

Happy last-10-days of Ramadhan..

nonsense

i told u this blog if for the owners pleasure. its not gud to b made public pun. this time,..the post entitled nonsense. because ill b taking nonsense, in the means of trying to get a grip of myself. pardon me for that.

Allah.......tengah sakit.. nak tulis dekat atas kertas n doodle something with this, rasa mcm tak guna je kertas tu dibazirkan sebab seorang manusia yang tak dapat menenangkan diri sendiri.

Allah.....sangat sakit.. nak tulis nonsense dkt microsoft word, lagi lah macam lawak. silap2 buat karangan lepas tu send dekat miss nurhuda untuk assignment for the week pulak..

Allah......sangat sangat sakit...n this servant of Urs really don't noe wat to do..
di sini je lah rasanye boleh tulis something worth like this.

wani, bila lah nak sembuh..?

n the worst part, its really hard to focus. bio dah masuk 3 chapters. physics dah nak mask 2nd tutorial, chemistry dah merepek2 nak count sana sini, arabic dah start belabor bahasa pasar jordan yg bunyi mcm bahasa german dah.. tp otak wani masihh dal am mode "sleep". wani...tolong jangan jade mcm ni. u need to..well, do something. DO WHAT?!!!

dear Ramadhan, i really like u a lot.
but..i don't noe if u like me or not.. *sigh T_T

Abid..?

Abid Allah, Abdullah, yang beriman.. siapa yang tak nak jadi mcm tu?

tapi diri ni banyak sangat dosa kan?
td baru je tambah banyak lagi dosa. sebab tak boleh tido punye pasal, perg cari pasal dengan diri sendiri.
Ahhhh. Astaghfirullah.

Ramadhan kali ni, wat does it mean to You Wanie?

saya,rasa sangat jahat dan berdosa....

nota Kaki: mintalah ampun pada Tuhanmu, nescaya Allah itu Maha Mendengar...

mode: lost by myself

Selamat Tinggal.

There are just things that U have to say Gudbye.

N i have said my Goodbye to Darul Quran.

Im sorry to myself for not writing so long, making myself suppressed and oppressed with so many thoughts. well i havent got a new laptop since the last one missing. but Alhamdulillah, here i am, writing for myself ehh?

24/07/2011. The day I left Darul Quran.

It was as if a lump was suddenly there in my throat that i cld barely speak. I cld barely express this sad feeling i'm having. i texted this close person saying that its the end for me in DQ n smiled upon this person replying : Make Sure You Say Goodbye.

Goodbye DQ, well i noe u will do fine without me. but its me thats uncertain if i will do fine out there or not. Thank You to my friends there, my dearest Fast Trackers, my roomate, my teachers, the seniors, Hal Ehwal Pelajar (even though i hate the system there), and kakak prebet (without u, i wldnt be able to fly from DQ). u guys hv done so much for me, and only Allah cld repay u for ur gud deeds.

to Cik Faqihah, inche roomate: insyaAllah saya akan bangun awal lain kali. Doakan saya kuat dkt luar. minta maaf sebab selalu cik faqihah kena kejutkan saya pagi2. jangan nakal2 dekat sana. jangan selalu mengelamun dan berangan. jangan sibuk sangat pasal EKON. cari modal hafazan banyak2 ye

to dearest fast Trackers: syi, thanks jadi ex husband saya yang sentiasa menyokong saya. jgn tensen2 iadah tau. ana tau nti boleh, kan dah masyi tu. nanti tengok2kan sarah, n anak kita hafizah di Taylors college tu ye. aisyah ketua kelas, jangan nakal2 ye, ustaz Faiz dah takde nak tegur. hehe. jangan asyik baca novel je. nanti angau selalu. n jangan makan Maggi! Alang, jangan blurr sangat tau. ingat pesan angah, kita kena always be alert. Atifah, jangan menjerit je dengan cik faqihah! =) nnt ana report dkt mak enti. and sarah my buddy, hey u have a gud heart intact with u. just waiting to b nurtured well enough (by k.syafiqah mayb), then insyaAllah ill see u doing great things for the benefit of all (hehh, faham tak apa ana cakap ni..?hihi)

to dear masjid, maktabah, and tasik: terima kasih kerana telah menjadikan DQ satu tempat yang sgt akan dikenang because of these places. maktabah,with all those exotic religion books, tafseer, comparative religion books, and many more. masjid, for the wonderful sheikh from al-Azhar who wld b our Iman for maghrib n subuh mostly. and tasik: for allowing us to kayak and for letting us throw rocks n stones into ur deep water whenever we feel like to.

to Pengarah DQ: terima kasih ustz sbb ustz sangat baik. terima kasih juga to isteri ustz (ustzh marzilah) sbb masakkan nasi lemak buat saya dan kawan2 bila kami rasa mengada2 nak makan dekat Dewan Makan..

to Ustazah Farhana: terima kasih ustzh, sbb marah saya waktu saya malas2. terima kasih sebab didik saya..tasmi' saya sampai saya khatam. terima kasih to uncle as well, sebab masakan uncle sangat sedap. nnti saya bawa lagi family saya datang kuala kubu bharu makan mushroom soup uncle.

to k. syafiqah, k.dayah, n k.hazirah: masyaAllah ana uhibbukunna fillah.. jazakunnallah khairal jaza' kerana selalu bagi motivation talk dkt saya.. saya sayang akak2 semua! jaga diri tau k.dayah, k.syafiqah kena always cool, n k.hazirah..insyaAllah kita jumpa dkt Jordan. =)

i would never become who i am if it werent for the tarbiyah in a place called...DARUL QURAN.

Goodbye.

Are U A Leader?

salam.

I was eager to write this down sincerely. its something im always keen to do; sharing. sharing the knowledge, sharing the bad n gud memories, sharing, wat i feel like needed to b shared. =)

so this time, this question aroused inside my head. Do u think that U r a leadeR? when asked this question, most people probably have this view: jangan nak perasan lah weh. tak payah tanya soalan macam tu. kalau orang pilih, kiranya ur a leader and kalau orang dh pilih, naik je lah jadi leader, tak payah nak bising2.

hmphhhh. typical.

in the scope of being Muslims, we need in fact to realize our objective of living in this world. we cld never run away from these two objectives tat Allah had alrdy lined up for us. we are here to 1) govern #become a caliph and 2) to subjugate ourselves as servants to Allah #mengabdikan diri pd Allah. so becoming a caliph, u realy need to ask urself if u r a leader/gud leader if u want to pass this job with flying colours eyy?

heres the trick to this question: experience taught me that when u ask this question, theres a way to test whether ur answer is correct or wrong. whether u r a leader or not. whether u r a gud leader or otherwise.. the test is simple. u go to the nearest musolla/surau/masjid, (make sure u come early). wait for the azan, get ur solat sunat rawatib done, and as quickly as possible go to the first line in front of the masjid and offer urself to be..well an IMAM. solat itself has taught us so many things that cld b related to life (e.g the moral of khusyu' when u sujud teaches u to focus n many more), wat more cld u ask from SOLAT BERJEMAAH. try n delve more into it n it cld even teach u how to govern a country RIGHT (so, does that mean if the leaders of our country doesnt solat berjemaah than they r NOT RIGHT? lol just something to ponder)

this test is best done during solat SUBUH, MAGHRIB AND ISYA'. for those who did this test before, must hv known the feeling. for me, it was a great experience which taught me a lot. when it was exam time i didnt really go to masjid in order to save time. so i performed my five prayers in surau asrama banat and was asked to b an imam lots of time, (mayb bcuz i was there early or something). the first time ever, my hands were shaking in fact my body cldnt stand stil properly. for u to solat and FACE ALLAH THE CREATOR at that time, at the same moment leading my sisters in islam properly to face Allah too, is not an easy job. to me it felt wonderful biiznillah, alhamdulilah. because i noe leading people in solat is the only CERTAIN thing that we noe, "yes im leading people the RIGHT WAY, to Allah". n it was a challenge for me too, for i was leading a bunch of great huffaz behind me. it was of great memories, n i cld say i missed being an imam there.

to my friends, brothers n sisters in islam, do not b afraid. go for it. test urself with this simple test. once u tried the first time, n ull think subhanallah this was great, and peaceful...

so people, are u a leader? =)

FAST TRACK: BEYOND THE FIRST

salam. This entry is abt basicly my life as a fast tracker in dq. When ppl say i wasnt too sentimental abt dq, n tat i dnt love dq.. Well, i hv my own way of seeing it. Bt if it wasnt for dq, i cldnt ever b of wat i am tdy. Thank You Allah.

So 'BEYOND THE FIRST' was our tagline when we were bored n didnt noe wat to do. For those do not noe, DQ set up a new programme this year under persijilan which is called Fast Track, where they allow u to memorize the quran for 9 months (of course u cant take holidays like the normal ones do). This year is basicly the pioneer year, n for startes there is only 7 of us for banat (me, syifa, hafiza, sarah, fatimah, aisyah, n atifah). We became close when at one time there was only 7 of us living in dq while budak diploma n persijilan all had their holidays. So yes, it was during tat time tat we played with each other sambil menjerit2 during the evening, we went by the lake n sing along some nasyid while eating oreos, we even had 'jaguh kampung' amongs the seven of us. Those memories..i cherished (well tat was the gud part)

wat no one noes is, wat we ve been thru deep down. At first when we entered the programme, ppl say things like we dnt love dq n hoped to get out of there fast. We were said to leave our friends behind (its not tat we did tat on purpose, our muqarrar is 15 juz weh n rasa nak tersabut otak je hafal laju2). The feeling when we had to stay close together bcuz there were only 7 of us dq while everybody else enjoyed their holidays. N the fact tat when one of us cried bcuz she cldnt handle the presure of memorizing 10 pages a day. Plus the pressure adds up when ustzh farhana stormed out of the room bcuz we cldnt iadah properly.. No one wldnt hv noticed these feelings tat we shared, the seven of us. Other ppl wld think, ohh alahh budak fast track, lain.

I wldnt call the experience of being a fast tracker a traumatic one, bcuz aftr a while i learnt a lot from it. U see, being a fast tracker, i hv to do everything in a very fast mode. Ive to memorize n remember fast, ive to read books with a great speed, ive to iron the clothes fast, wash the clothes like crazy, n most of the times my brain got affected as well. I want to process things quickly, i was impatient to wait for anything, n i ended up getting angry if it wasnt tat quick enough to the standards tat i put myself.

Some ppl wld say, when ur fast u have an advantage. For me, i wld prefer to do things slower. Walk slower, n the world offers u great things for u to see n observe (bt not too slow ok).

If i get too impatient, ill get angry, ill get fidgety, ill get defensive, i will never hv peace. I dnt want those things. N this is a continuous fight, i noe. So please, pray tat i stay strong n win this over. Alhamdulillah i realized those things now. Bt who noes wat the Devil wil do to us n tats why we must constantly b reminded, n constantly b prepared.

Dear fast track, u do drive me up the walls. Bt life is a test, n i wld just hv to put up with u right..?

some day

alhamdulillah, the last 10 days were peaceful, even though i stil had nitemares in tanah haram, bt i fel as if the soul were recovering. Just by luking at the holy black cube of kaabah-the Muslims qiblat, the heart felt safe. Close.to the Creator.

Bt recent event gave us a huge blow. It wasnt just tat, it was a trauma for the family. I once asked, where is home? N a lot of ppl wld answer home is where u feel the happiest. Now i dont feel like i hv a home anymore. The safest place i cld find confort in, had been invaded by strangers i didnt noe existed in my life. There was only imaginary home deep inside our hearts built by us, the mere memory but strong feeling tat Allah is stil always with us, giving the warmth we all wished for.

Ohh Allah, what have we become if it werent for the fact You Are Always Here?

Albaqarah: ...verily, the help of Allah is (always) near..
I repeated tat every moment i was awake.

At night we cldnt sleep, our rooms were a mess. Too terrified to clear the mess, we sisters curled up to one another, and patted each other. Tears were stil streaming silently as we felt alone, n so afraid tat someone might invade our personal space again. We were heartbroken to see our parents face, the dim n gloom face striking great fear n worriness. They tried to calm us down, but i noe the were the most uncalmed.

I wish this was just a nitemare. No matter how terrified the nitemare was, in the end someone wld call me up to the reality. But not this time. Who wld wake us up from the trauma?

...verily, the help of Allah is (always) near..

Someday, we will see.

what have become of us

this post is a question mark.

i wish to b happy. cliche kot. which is worse, praising urself for something u longed but u dont try n get it, or simply letting urself fall in the dark?

wani mcm berpantun pulak.

goodbye world

Dreams

wani dreamt of wearing a white coat. soon.

dream high, achieve higher.

scintillate zenith.

credits to My Creator, for lending me this life. ...

I miss Debating

salam. terkejut ehh dengan title of this post?

i happened to go to my home dkt facebook when suddenly i saw picture of fattah, kamalia and iman debating in musleh. and my next reaction was unexpected, even for me.

I smiled.

and then i thought, woahhh. how i missed debating. and by debating it doesnt mean u go to debate competitions or wat debate means in the dictionary. its My own definition of debating. and yes, i missed it. (i have to swallow hard to say these words).

i remember, exactly the perfect scenes in my head. how my debate team and i entered debate in musleh 2009. it was a mere of a coincidence. my debate team leader, fakhry at that time called musleh people to register for his moms school, sri ayesha. and aftr some talk the ustaz whom he phoned accidentally thought tat he was registering smka maahad hamidiah because when the ustaz asked him "where r u from?" n he answered "smka maahad hamidiah".

well, in Islam, theres no such thing as a coincidence...

when fakhry told the team, and asked for our opinion about going to musleh, especially when its very near to his spm, we were..excited to be honest. not only it was held in a hotel (biasalah kami ni budak kampung, sebut hotel je terus excited), and it was held under ICEE, which i cldnt remember wat it stands for. but as we were informed there were no non-muslims.

i secretly told myself, while telling to Fakhry: "this is our second chance...a chance to give our best from what we went thru in uia"

Alhamdulillah, it was really our second chance.

I remembered, we decided that Fakhry, Laila, Kimi, and I wld b going there, under our school SMKA MAAHAD HAMIDIAH. we went there, thursday evening. by fakhry's parents car. that was the very first time tat i met with Nadia. she sat beside me, while i played the games in my handphone. we stopped in front of a hotel called hotel vistana, which fakhry mispronounced it was VISANTA (macam nama indian girl), and we were told that the sri ayeshans wld b arriving soon. we wld b sharing rooms with them, and one room will b provided for 7 people. me n laila was like: takpelah asalkan tidur.

i smiled again.

meeting with the sri ayeshans, i mean really meeting them for the first time, made my head spin. they were very random, crazy, out of place, and all liked to talk. being the eldest i have to take care of the girls and make sure they sleep. i was even told to make sure they do their hafal quran everyday, which they didnt do pun because there was no time. but there, i met with great people. kamalia, fareeha, iman, nabihah... not to mention i get to noe laila even better. when we were stressed out because of debate, we wld listen to taylor swift songs.macam budak2.

even though sri ayesha won the competition during that year, but we gained more than that. we gained our second chance in everything. we gained our second chance in forming a stronger team. we gained our second chance in getting to noe our weaknesses. we gained our second chance in..entering a better debate competition.

if i wld want to write every scenes of musleh memories in this post im sure it too long to b read.

i smiled again, to my thoughts. and continued typing.

what have i missed the most about debating?

i missed being a third speaker, sitting beside a very talented and gifted second speaker of smka maahad hamidiah. i missed the adrenaline rush when the motions were given out and we all had to write them down. i missed running around finding the rooms with my debate teams. i missed having some fight along the quarantine time. i missed the glares my opponents wld give me as soon as the debate session starts. i missed reading the DOA, praying to Allah everytime we wld start a debate. i missed saying "mr.speaker" for so many times in my speech. i missed the times when me and laila would Sujud syukur to Allah after debate, whether we win or lose. i missed the times when i wld have to search for facts in ALMANAC. I missed....my Debate Family.

ohh Allah, please let me keep these memories..forever.
sekian.

Kau kawan, sahabat dan teman

salam. *kali ni saya yakin 90% post ni dlm bahasa melayu.

alhamdulillah seronoknya balikk rumahhh. lapang dada..tengok kucing, anak kucing, bapak kucing, mak kucing. alhamdulillah.
status: wanie cham is grateful ehh? irony is the operative word for some ppl who read this (ok mcm dh tak faham dah).

lapang dada yang teramat, Allah saja yang tahu. bukannya dq tak best, tp dq tengah aura exam yang membunuh jadi semua orang keje menenung quran tu je sampai tembus (entah ingat ke tak ingt tu, ----->sye sdg bercakap dgn diri saya)

one thing that changed me for gud in dq is tat when ppl ask "kenal tak justin beiber? or justin timberlake? or tengok tak movie baru dkt cinema? komik conan?" i wld have no idea or whatsoever on those matters. especially kalau top 40 with ryan seacrest tu, mmg serious dah lama tinggal dah keje2 lagha tu. berbalik pada tajuk post.. oleh kerana dkt dq tak dpt dah dengar top 40 ryan seacrest tu sbb kalau ada programme2 takkan dq nak pasang2 lagu2 barat yang pelik tu, so saya telah dibiasakan dgn lagu2 nasyeed yang riang gembira, yang sebenarnya boleh kira first time dengar nasyeed2 tersebut. but not tat im fond of nasyeed pulak now.im not obsessed, especially to those inteam's song pasal kahwin tu, nor adcoustic's song (Aku mencintaiMu), even though the song was about being in love with Our Creator. tapi bila ada nasyeed yang rasa mcm sedap je, mcm betul apa yang lyrics tu cakap pasal hidup kita...tu baru rasa macam "ehh, nasyeed ni not bad lah".

so recently, i've had a bit of a issue with my friends. well, living in hostel was fun at some point, but life isnt always a bed full of roses ehh? hehh. bila ada programme "the prestige", a dinner for sem 1 and sem 3 IQRaC, then the programmer pasang lagu ni, baru lah terasa...ya Allah siapa kawan, sahabat dan temanku ni? im not perfect, im disturbing, and im annoying. ade ke pulak orang nak jadi kawan, sahabat dan teman? some ppl say im not tat sentimental when it comes to friendship, and some say im TOO sentimental. whatever pun, saya pun tak tahu. sbb rasanya im still lost in finding who the real wani is now. tp best je kalau nak dengar santai2 lagu ni. perg cari dkt utube, UNIC-kau kawan, sahabat, dan teman.

semoga dapat enlightenment sikit drpd nasyeed ni of wat friendship realy means.

kau kawan, sahabat, dan teman

Ketika mula bertemu
Terasa bagai telah lama bersua
Kau sambut hulur tanganku
Bertegur sapa penuh mesra

Masa terus berlalu
Dan kita tetap seiringan berjalan
Menempuh onak liku
Lalui semua suka dan duka bersama

Biarlah apapun rahsia
Dan kelemahanmu tetap engkau temanku

Riangnya saat kita ketawa
Asyik senda dan bercerita
Walau sesekali pandangan kita berbeza
Andainya tetap serupa

Adakalanya kita juga saling terluka
Namun di akhirnya kita tetap bersama

Dan kini dipisahkan dua benua
Saling mengejar cita
Tak pernah kulupakan
Detik yang indah bersamamu temanku

Huuuu....aaaaa..... (errrkk,, geli je part ni...saya copy paste je ye. LOL)

(ulang dari mula)

Kuasti suatu masa
Engkau dan aku kan bertemu semula
Kembali menjalinkan detik nan indah
Untuk kenangan bersama

p/s: lagu riang2 macam ni, teringat...once upon a time. some special friend once sang for me lagu hijjaz "hidup ini tak selalunya indah.." when i was in my gloomy days. tat was a beauty.memoir.

sekian.

ini kisahku

salam. *post kali ni 89% dalam bahasa melayu (bahasa jiwa bangsa ehh wanie?)

what a day.

hari ni, again, saya baru terperasan yang saya dah berumur 18 tahun (please lah wani, perangai mcm dak kecik). and wat made me realize that thing once again? when today, ada satu incident di mana gerabak train ktm terbakar depan mata. lawak lah kisah dia.

at that time i was alone, and the only thing i cld do was to observe all these people around me. i saw this pakcik, grabbing the nearest fire hydrant and passing it to his friend to extinguish the fire in the train. i saw this chinese lady sitting next to me while i was reading the quran aloud, teaching her child to speak mandarin. i saw this one malay girl, who dressed out in a so improper way tat i doubted she was a malay, and a MUSLIM at first. i saw another makcik, grumbling with her friends at how long we all needed to wait for the train to be fixed. and me? wat was i thinking? i was thinking tat if only i didnt get out from tat train i'd be burned to death (and it wasnt a realy bad thing aftr all). and the best part, nobody was going to find out pun. my parents are away with my family. and the only one who wld b missing my presence was fuzzy, my dearest cat at home.

ok post ni bukan dalam bahasa melayu pun.

so after tat, bila train lain dah datang to give us a lift, again, alone i went into coach wanita tu and observe the scenery outside the window pulak. one thing tat caught my attention was, when there was this masjid, designed with architectural chinese traits, situated in a chinese neighbourhood. subhanallah! its true wat ppl say, when ur a MALAY MUSLIM, ur place is duduk diam2 dalam rumah dkt malaysia. but when ur MUSLIM, go anywhere in this world n ppl will greet u as ur their brothers and sisters.

the next tat made me realize once again, im 18 is tat... i get to take the train ALONE! lol. ya Allah. kalau ayat mak hanisah: kau tu dah lah fitnah, lepas tu jalan sorang2. tak baik tau anak dara. but then.. i dnt realy hv a muraqib do i? hehh.

so highlight for the day nak cerita train ktm terbakar je, tu je. nothing personal. but wanie cham likes it. *thumbs up. walaupun dlm hati rasanye nak meletup jantung sebab takut mati katak dkt situ.

sekian. wallahua'alm

I Am Disappointed.

Subhanallah.

I am lost. ya Allah.. wat in the world is this whole world doing?

writing this post, i so strongly hoped with all my hopes tat the person whom I could turn to the most right now would read this.. YA RASULULLAH.

dear beloved Prophet Sallahualaihiwasallam,

sadly ya rasulul amin, this person who is writing this is in an angry, despair, and disappointed state. she noes perfectly being angry is one of devils plan to destruct the human kind. but this lump in her heart cant seem to be held in any longer ya rasulullah. she wondered what in the world is wrong with her. or, wat in the world is wrong with the world.

ya rasulullah,
she is in utter despair because she thinks she is lost. she comes out of her comfort zone (dq), and found so many uncomfortable thing ya rasulullah. she noes being angry wouldnt help, but wat would help her instead, being lost in these concrete and heartless world. wat would help, if not with tears streaming down as she pours down her feelings bluntly expecting you would understand; which you do.

ya rasulullah,
wat would hve become of your ummah? wat would hv become of me? why r we like this ya rasulul amin? why havnt we follow obediently your sunnah and the quran, the things u treasured us with so that we are not lost? i beg you, my beloved prophet. please, please, spread the enlightment u once brought into this world once again now.

alas.......im afraid, if u would exist in this world once again and see us ya rasul, im very afraid, very much afraid, that u wouldnt even want to admit that we are your ummah... because of how destructive we are towards this world, because of how zalim and injustice we are towards ourselves, not putting the right thing to its right place.. ya rasul, would u still accept us and give us syafaat,,and let us drink in the well of kauthar when the Judgement Day come ya rasulullah?

ya Rasulullah,
subhanallah, betul lah kami umat akhir zaman ya mustapha. kami tidak pernah melihatmu, kami tidak pernah berbicara denganmu, tetapi kami ingin terus mentaatimu ya rasul. kami ingin bertemu denganmu di padang mahsyar, dalam keadaan tersenyum, dan engkau juga tersenyum pada kami.ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami nur dan cahaya hidayah sepanjang zaman.

amin ya rabbal alamin.

I am disappointed. i feel as if Im Alone. in this Fight. A fight i figured out the end sole of it, but never the way to reach it. i saw my family today, with no unity, no spirit, no direction. i saw my twin with my two eyes in front of me tody, alas not knowing who exactly this person is. and I saw myself today, losing control and not reflecting the person i SHOULD be, a MUSLIM.

ya Rasul........ i realy wanted to b with you as i close my eyes in my dreams.....

Macam mana nak kawal kemarahan

My name is wani. and I get angry easily. this post entitles "macam mana nak kawal kemarahan"...

I leave this post blank. bcuz.i.really.dont.noe.how.to.control.it.

sekian, ikhlas dari hati.










































.

Its OK

wanie, its OK....

wanie, ekam eveileb

wanie, saya dah sangat sangat sangat penat nak cakap.

wanie, saya tak nak pergi sekolah esok, (boleh tak?)

wanie, apa rasa jadi selfish? (mesti busuk sebab jual ikan)

wanie, ..

yes?

wanie, ..

ye awak nak ape?!

+ i think im losing it..

- this is part of the test lahh (pats myself on the back)

**lights were put off. stage gelap. ala gaya hidup seseorang tu dah berakhir...

and the last voice i heard whispered to me,

Wanie, its OK...............................

Dunia Baru dan Dunia Lama

Salam alaikum.

*sy sangat penat, post ini adalah dalam dwibahasa.

to be honest, i havent been writing this emo-type post thing for a long time. but now, i feel like doing do.

ive been having quite a crisis when i decided to enter this Darul Quran (yes, i noe selalu sangat cakap pasal tempat ni recently). in fact, it was a huge blow for me, not having to attend school with my friends anymore. for five years, ive been busy ranting about maahad and finally i began to love the school and accept all of its imperfection. but when that happened, the realization came in too late for i, have to leave in a relentless way (i finished my SPM alrdy, ni kira hukum wajib tinggalkan sekolah).

So it happened, that a week after that I decided to enter this institution named Darul Quran (for the hundreth time, its a place where u memorize the quran). and ever since, ive been in a process where they call "being torn apart inside and out", you see, DQ is a place where it gives us a platform to become better and do good deeds all the time. the rules that were set there, gives me headache sometimes. like what is the exact guidelines to become gud, and what is the seperation between being good and being jumud (kolot)? little small things were being questioned inside my head. for me, small things like ordering people to salam cium tangan to seniors because the seniors think that if u dont do that then u dont respect them, its messy and shouldnt be brought upon in the first place. yes, i do respect my seniors and i love them dearly because they have been a great help to me, and since they have shown me a great example of how to be a gud muslimah. but inside my head stil swirling, does salam cium tangan is so very important to show ur respect only in that angle til it has to be made into mandatory..? i have to admit, i question a lot there.

people say, that i was lucky to be able to go there. but for me, if just going there without getting an understanding is just the same as not going there. and i, known for someone who is very slow at picking up things find it hard to make myself understand. with all these questions in my head, with all these blabbering, i was confused. and not to mention, first time living in hostel where u dont get the privacy all the time.. when the only private place u could cry and let out ur tears is the toilet, for some weeks i shun myself out from the society. i didnt go and solat berjemaah often as i would always have to put up this plastic smile on my face. i didnt go and eat at dewan makan as i would always have to interact with people. in class, i would just stare at my Quran, not wanting to socialize with my classmates because im afraid that i would start again questioning: what am i doing here exactly..?!

im not proud of myself when i question these things. im not proud when people i always gave out sharp reviews on things that arent supposed to be reviewed back by the juniors (we just have to follow). i tried to be better, i tried to listen to others. but i guess im just too stubborn to follow other people blindly..

as time goes by, i began to miss my big old times with my family and friends. pictures of memories in maahad swarmed my thoughts even as i was focussing to memorise the verses of quran. yes, torn apart inside and out. when u try to change for the better in a place where everything seems so angelic, and when thinking about ur memories u used to build up back at home. now that im home, the feeling gets stronger. i see my family, moving on with their lives and the wonderful smile my mom always give to me. i see my friends, learning how to drive and taking their licenses, pergi kelas memasak, ajar budak2 mengaji and become ustazah, doing programmes at school. i see my debate family, striving hard to debate with honorary. and when i see those things i feel a spang of sadness deep, deep inside. im in a place where im still trying hard to searh for myself, making sure i realy understand the true context of Islam, while at the same time i see my family and friends, moving forward without me...

dear family,
my dad wasnt the best person to converse to when i arrived home, because he was always too enthusiastic to ask about DQ to me till he wont let me ask much about him. dad, ive always wanted to ask if ur healthy, if ur taking really gud care of mom instead of being a workaholic reading ur students thesis everytime.. mom, ive always wanted to listen to ur rantings and blabbering, ive always wanted to kiss u in the face and tell u that dont worry about me, because im more worried about u.. sisters, ive always wanted u to understand how lucky u guys are to be able to see mom everyday. ive always wanted to yell at u guys and tell u not to hurt mom anymore by ignoring the things that she wished her daughters would oblige her. if and only if u knew, how precious it is to see mom still there smiling for us..

dear debate family,
i was notified that u guys are in a really gud shape, trained by Fakhry and Muhammad. both of them r really great people and u cld learn a lot of things. but i see, i want a place too. i want to debate with u guys, and smile with u guys, and be as talkative and as chattery as i can with u guys. dear family, did u leave an empty place for me, just so i cld feel like im with u always? yes, im jealous and upset that i compare myself as being caged there than u guys who cld have all the fun u want in maahad. u guys r my family, for two years ive been facing hell n high water with u. i cant bear to see someone else is taking my place and therefore i cant be seen or heard anymore. thanks raihan, for calling me. for i wish we could talk for one whole day. moreover, i wish we cld meet up forever and hold hands for a great length of time. until my hands get wet (ok, this is a joke). bt the feeling of being left, n not being part of u guys anymore..its a great feeling to bear.

dear friends,
thaiyibah sayang, iman shii, azlynnn next-door neighbour, please manfaatkan ur holidays as much as u can. theres soo many gud things that u can do out there. i wished i cld sit back next to azlyn in class, and solve addmths together with her sambil dengar azlyn membebel. i wish i cld do so many things together with u guys. iman, i apologize that everytime u wanna talk i was always so busy. and when u asked to hang around and go out, i mainly refused. i love to do that with u someday, when my head is less screwed, when i cld breathe properly again, and when wani, cld really understand who in the world she is.

dunia baru..dunia lama, i dnt see like that. im still me, im still stubborn, im still searching for answers, i still need help. bt do other people see me living at grand in my new world, thinking that for once i didnt turn back and reminisce every single memory that i cld remember with u guys? i hope not.

when saying these things, my twin would say: wani, u have to be grateful. u cant be choosy. kena belajar sabar. jangan jadi anak manja. u want everything, thats ur problem. im trying twin, im really trying. sometimes i fall with it, sometimes i say i have to get out from this comfort zone. sometimes i fell back tired, sometimes i smile after all the tiredness. sometimes i lose to myself, sometimes im confused. sometimes i want to say everything in my mind right here right now, and sometimes i would only express it by a drop of tear. the fact that i noe im learning from all these things, would it change anything? would it be gud enough to continue living and be proud of it twin? would it help me cease the jealousy i have to the world everyone is having without me while i was to put up with my life feeling caged in DQ for not understanding why i was realy there?

its the feeling of home, and i so badly want to say im home..

this emo post ends. here.

wallahua'alam.