Thursday, February 3, 2011

Its OK

wanie, its OK....

wanie, ekam eveileb

wanie, saya dah sangat sangat sangat penat nak cakap.

wanie, saya tak nak pergi sekolah esok, (boleh tak?)

wanie, apa rasa jadi selfish? (mesti busuk sebab jual ikan)

wanie, ..


wanie, ..

ye awak nak ape?!

+ i think im losing it..

- this is part of the test lahh (pats myself on the back)

**lights were put off. stage gelap. ala gaya hidup seseorang tu dah berakhir...

and the last voice i heard whispered to me,

Wanie, its OK...............................

Dunia Baru dan Dunia Lama

Salam alaikum.

*sy sangat penat, post ini adalah dalam dwibahasa.

to be honest, i havent been writing this emo-type post thing for a long time. but now, i feel like doing do.

ive been having quite a crisis when i decided to enter this Darul Quran (yes, i noe selalu sangat cakap pasal tempat ni recently). in fact, it was a huge blow for me, not having to attend school with my friends anymore. for five years, ive been busy ranting about maahad and finally i began to love the school and accept all of its imperfection. but when that happened, the realization came in too late for i, have to leave in a relentless way (i finished my SPM alrdy, ni kira hukum wajib tinggalkan sekolah).

So it happened, that a week after that I decided to enter this institution named Darul Quran (for the hundreth time, its a place where u memorize the quran). and ever since, ive been in a process where they call "being torn apart inside and out", you see, DQ is a place where it gives us a platform to become better and do good deeds all the time. the rules that were set there, gives me headache sometimes. like what is the exact guidelines to become gud, and what is the seperation between being good and being jumud (kolot)? little small things were being questioned inside my head. for me, small things like ordering people to salam cium tangan to seniors because the seniors think that if u dont do that then u dont respect them, its messy and shouldnt be brought upon in the first place. yes, i do respect my seniors and i love them dearly because they have been a great help to me, and since they have shown me a great example of how to be a gud muslimah. but inside my head stil swirling, does salam cium tangan is so very important to show ur respect only in that angle til it has to be made into mandatory..? i have to admit, i question a lot there.

people say, that i was lucky to be able to go there. but for me, if just going there without getting an understanding is just the same as not going there. and i, known for someone who is very slow at picking up things find it hard to make myself understand. with all these questions in my head, with all these blabbering, i was confused. and not to mention, first time living in hostel where u dont get the privacy all the time.. when the only private place u could cry and let out ur tears is the toilet, for some weeks i shun myself out from the society. i didnt go and solat berjemaah often as i would always have to put up this plastic smile on my face. i didnt go and eat at dewan makan as i would always have to interact with people. in class, i would just stare at my Quran, not wanting to socialize with my classmates because im afraid that i would start again questioning: what am i doing here exactly..?!

im not proud of myself when i question these things. im not proud when people i always gave out sharp reviews on things that arent supposed to be reviewed back by the juniors (we just have to follow). i tried to be better, i tried to listen to others. but i guess im just too stubborn to follow other people blindly..

as time goes by, i began to miss my big old times with my family and friends. pictures of memories in maahad swarmed my thoughts even as i was focussing to memorise the verses of quran. yes, torn apart inside and out. when u try to change for the better in a place where everything seems so angelic, and when thinking about ur memories u used to build up back at home. now that im home, the feeling gets stronger. i see my family, moving on with their lives and the wonderful smile my mom always give to me. i see my friends, learning how to drive and taking their licenses, pergi kelas memasak, ajar budak2 mengaji and become ustazah, doing programmes at school. i see my debate family, striving hard to debate with honorary. and when i see those things i feel a spang of sadness deep, deep inside. im in a place where im still trying hard to searh for myself, making sure i realy understand the true context of Islam, while at the same time i see my family and friends, moving forward without me...

dear family,
my dad wasnt the best person to converse to when i arrived home, because he was always too enthusiastic to ask about DQ to me till he wont let me ask much about him. dad, ive always wanted to ask if ur healthy, if ur taking really gud care of mom instead of being a workaholic reading ur students thesis everytime.. mom, ive always wanted to listen to ur rantings and blabbering, ive always wanted to kiss u in the face and tell u that dont worry about me, because im more worried about u.. sisters, ive always wanted u to understand how lucky u guys are to be able to see mom everyday. ive always wanted to yell at u guys and tell u not to hurt mom anymore by ignoring the things that she wished her daughters would oblige her. if and only if u knew, how precious it is to see mom still there smiling for us..

dear debate family,
i was notified that u guys are in a really gud shape, trained by Fakhry and Muhammad. both of them r really great people and u cld learn a lot of things. but i see, i want a place too. i want to debate with u guys, and smile with u guys, and be as talkative and as chattery as i can with u guys. dear family, did u leave an empty place for me, just so i cld feel like im with u always? yes, im jealous and upset that i compare myself as being caged there than u guys who cld have all the fun u want in maahad. u guys r my family, for two years ive been facing hell n high water with u. i cant bear to see someone else is taking my place and therefore i cant be seen or heard anymore. thanks raihan, for calling me. for i wish we could talk for one whole day. moreover, i wish we cld meet up forever and hold hands for a great length of time. until my hands get wet (ok, this is a joke). bt the feeling of being left, n not being part of u guys anymore..its a great feeling to bear.

dear friends,
thaiyibah sayang, iman shii, azlynnn next-door neighbour, please manfaatkan ur holidays as much as u can. theres soo many gud things that u can do out there. i wished i cld sit back next to azlyn in class, and solve addmths together with her sambil dengar azlyn membebel. i wish i cld do so many things together with u guys. iman, i apologize that everytime u wanna talk i was always so busy. and when u asked to hang around and go out, i mainly refused. i love to do that with u someday, when my head is less screwed, when i cld breathe properly again, and when wani, cld really understand who in the world she is.

dunia baru..dunia lama, i dnt see like that. im still me, im still stubborn, im still searching for answers, i still need help. bt do other people see me living at grand in my new world, thinking that for once i didnt turn back and reminisce every single memory that i cld remember with u guys? i hope not.

when saying these things, my twin would say: wani, u have to be grateful. u cant be choosy. kena belajar sabar. jangan jadi anak manja. u want everything, thats ur problem. im trying twin, im really trying. sometimes i fall with it, sometimes i say i have to get out from this comfort zone. sometimes i fell back tired, sometimes i smile after all the tiredness. sometimes i lose to myself, sometimes im confused. sometimes i want to say everything in my mind right here right now, and sometimes i would only express it by a drop of tear. the fact that i noe im learning from all these things, would it change anything? would it be gud enough to continue living and be proud of it twin? would it help me cease the jealousy i have to the world everyone is having without me while i was to put up with my life feeling caged in DQ for not understanding why i was realy there?

its the feeling of home, and i so badly want to say im home..

this emo post ends. here.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Ikhtilad..? Muamalat..?

Sallu alaihiwassalam, ya habibullah, Muhammad ya Rasulullah.


*drum rollsss. IM Home! =)

ok, no matter that now.
tapi balik2 je dr Darul Quran, mesti rasa macam saya tertinggal satu zaman drpd dunia luar. kadang2 rasa lawak, isu semasa tahu..(Revolusi mesir dn tunisia..not like i dont noe..), tapi..still rasa macam tahun 1966. hehh, tak lahir lg waktu tu.
A tale i would like to share with anyone who cares to read.

i was left with a lot of questions inside my head. these people in DQ are too gud to be true, in fact too gud that i perhaps wasnt gud enough to be here, i thought. but as i stayed n watched, even when the feeling of not being gud enough stil lingers, i learnt a lot of things just from staying quiet and observing (well, people who knew me knew quite well i didnt stay quiet pun.).

Case no. 1:
A programme was held last week for IQRac (Intelectual Quranic Generation Club) semester 1 called the THE FAITH (the futurisation of intelectual huffaz), where we talked about the basics in Islam. what is exactly Aqidah, Ibadah, Akhlak, and why these things are so important in our lives (sounds boring rite..? dnt judge a book by its cover). among the current issues that we talked about there was about ikhtilad and muamalat. and i was.....muamalat..?! errrr, yang bank2 tu ke? of course im aware of ikhtilad (im not that dumb ok) but bila cakap pasal muamalat rasa nak gelak. (tu lah, orang tak cukup ilmu kan.) muamalat dr segi bahasa ni bermaksud "to interact" and it also simply means "pergaulan antara lelaki dan perempuan". DUHH. gelak guling2 dalam hati berapa banyak kali entah, when all this while i thought "kenapa kita cakpa pasal bank ni..?" my bad.

so peeps out there,i once heard one say: asyik2 cakap pasal ikhtilad, bukan aku tak tahu tak boleh pegang2. asalkan jaga tu cukup lah. tak payah nak ulang benda tu dari zaman batu boleh tak.
but then ask urself, kenapalah Ikhtilad ni sangat ditekankan dalam Islam, sehingga dalam Quran Allah said: dan hendaklah lelaki menundukkan pandangan mereka, dan hendaklah perempuan menundukkan pandangan mereka. its a fact, memang dari zaman batu pun masalah pergaulan lelaki perempuan ni memang dah wujud, sbb tulah memang dr zaman batu perkara ni harus ditekankan. janganlah kerana selalu ditekankan, orang kata Islam ni jumud (kolot). Islam is the way of life, Islam is a beauty, Islam yang pentingnya wasathiyyah (pertengahan, tidak jumud dan tidak terbuka).

sebenarnye kalau nak ckp pasal ikhtilad je punye lah banyak perbahasan di sini. tp tuan punye diri malas nak type dengan tendon yang bengkak ni, ehehe. tapi issue kelakar di sini, saje je nak cakap yang muamalat tu pun tak tahu ape die.

tp satu lagi issue, pernah dengar orang kata mcm ni..kita lakonkan semula.
Ayam: tak tahu ke pasal agama2 ni, pergi tanya Itik. dia tu tahu banyak pasal agama.
Itik: eh, saya bukan pakar pun, sikit2 je. tak layak pun nak cakap2 ni.

iyeee, memang kita kena zuhud dan merendah diri dngn ilmu yang kita ada. but people, in this era we cant afford to say that when so many bad things are happening in this world. kalau semua orang cakap macam tu, nak merendah diri, siapa yang akan bangun untuk menegakkan islam, and therefore carry islam along in their lives? siapa yang nak make people understand what exactly is Islam all about? mcm kes, kalau masuk uia je nnt ade budak DQ tak nak mengaku dr DQ. perghh, kalau tak nak mengaku baik tak payah masuk duduk sana setahun stengah lah. baik gunakan sebaik ilmu yang kita dah peroleh tu, dan sampaikan. sebab Rasulullah kata : ballighu anni walau ayah (sampaikanlah dariku (ilmu) walau sepotng ayat).

*sorry kalau post lately ni dlm dwibahasa. dan mayb tak structurize or something. takd mase sgt kot nak fikir ayat ni. eheh. tapi harap message tu tersampai. sekian. wallahua'alam.