Saturday, December 26, 2009

Ending the Year

Wanie is getting weirder,

Yes, i noe.

newcoming 2010 note:

Monday, December 14, 2009

Weddings ; Funny things to Ponder.

During the holidays, a lot of people grabbed the chance to get married. Ok maybe ur wondering why on earth am i wrting this (dont panick, im not planning to get married this holiday, or even the next one). When this time of the year comes up, our mummies (specifically my mom) would use this chance to bring their children over to some wedding ceremony just for the sake of silaturrahim and, um for showing that their children have probably grown up. Generally, its not a bad idea to accompany ur parents anywhere they go (not to mention they give u food!). but things just got funny when such scenarios happen.

These two weeks had been the peek of the weddings. i was... "kindly" asked by my parents to follow them to some weddings mainly because its the holidays right now and they say i have nothing else better to do. Reluctantly, i followed them and was surprised to meet lots of type of people. it was hilarious at first, but then i concluded that... its simply just life.

i was always annoyed by the the questions they were going to ask. sometimes its better to be a kid holding a lollipop and smiling all the way without having to answer anything when other people talked to you. one of the recent questions they asked to me was "yang ni ke anak last yang kecik2 dulu? dah besar ye!". or even better, u could hear they say to ur mom "anak u dh berape orang kawin? who will be the next one?". and they were so interested at my age that they couldnt forget to ask "skrg ni belajar kat mane? what.. baru tingkatan 4? ingatkan dah kat uni daahhh!" LOL. yep, for those who didnt noe, thats generally the basic question. someone once told me that those questions are only to show their motherly self. although i understand that they were not trying to mind somebody's business, i couldnt help but feel a little uncomfortable when being asked by those questions. in my case, i alwasy looked upon their reactions when i answered the question. it was fun to see that they expected another answer from me, and it turned out that i answered them the other way around. just like when they thought i was a uni student, ill simply smile and said that im younger than that! lol.

whats funnier recently was, the way they judge the younger ones. lol. i wanted to laugh right there back then when i had to pretend coughing and drinking some water when an aunt came to my mom and ask those regular questions. she eyed me and my sister and asked about my age. coincedently im as old as her son, which i had no idea of whom she was talking about. i was wearing a purple baju kurung, with a purple tudung labuh bulat (its a habit, sometimes i feel that wearing a tudung labuh bulat is the greatest and funnest thing to do). so this aunt asked my mom where do i study; its smka maahad hamidiah... what am i doing right now; maybe just playing dumb... when she whispered quite loudly to my mom saying "insya-Allah lah ni, besar nnt jadi ustazah. alhamdulillah". lol. im not sure what made her say that. does she see the tudung labuh as a symbol or.. maybe i was a bit quiet back then that she thought i was a very good and obedient child. lol. anyway, its still a doa. no further comments there, just a thing to ponder.

well, another case or consequences that u have to pay if u dont attend many weddings with ur parents is that; 1) u wont get to taste the food. 2) people dont noe u, so when u come for the first time round peolpe will ask u LOTS MORE irregular questions. lol. a story of my sis (if ur reading this); she didnt usually follow us to weddings but recently she had to because my mom strictly ordered the whole family to come. so we were happily shaking hands with other people (my sister was in front of me) when the first question that slammed her was. "sihat, doktor?". i was quite puzzled by the questions and eyed for my sister's reaction. she was shocked as well. clearly, the aunt had mistaken my sister for my other sister which happens to be a medical the next question wwas even crappier. she went further in to salam other aunts, when an aunt suddenly hold her and said " ni dh yang ke berape ni?" while smiling playfully at my sister's stomach. since my sister was quite chubby the aunt thought that she was pregnant, without knowing our names, or which is which. LOL. afterwards i could hear my sister grumbling saying "just then im a doctor, now im pregnant?!" . i guesss, its worse when u didnt often show up with ur parents to weddings. ;p

so when coming to weddings in malaysia, we have lots of types of wedding. some are held in dewan, others in front of the house with big decorative tents, with loud songs that could tear up my ears, or simply nasyeeds to be heard. for me, being one of the comers to weddings (not being the one who is marrying yet,) i find it fascinating at how the way certain people find their own happiness. but overall, i certainly think that weddings are just something funny to ponder, with various people with various attitude come and go.

last say: May u find ur happiness, newlyweds .

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Career Path

At the age of 16, (thats where i am rite now).some of us had decided securely about their ambition and future (mostly with the help of parental advice, siblings, friends and ur current status in class). but then, sometimes u couldnt help but wonder if this is the right choice, the truly blessed way to work in the future and contribute something to Islam. in this article of Milenia Muslim ( i grew fond of the magazines just two days ago, when my mom wished me to read something during the hols), it said that Allah SWT akan mempersoalkan apa yang kita lakukan untuk agama melalui pekerjaan kita.

Basicly, we chose a profession out of our deepest interest towards a particular field that we studied. we grew more and more fond towards the field that we are eager to learn and try to improve in any kinds of ways that we could. up until a certain level in our career, normal people would think that their life has now completed, they have reached their goal of performing their wanted job. i.e u are now a GP doctor, and u think that ur life is now blissful after the harshness of internships, the cold stay-up nights of 6 years studying non stop of anatomy and pathology book. so its time, a GP is more than enough. u go to work, and do what doctors do; get a check up on patients, prescribe them some drugs and medicine, then go home to spend some time with family...repeating the same routine everyday without having to worry about big paychecks coming to ur way.

yes.. normal people would do that.

never forget, besides being a student (now), and doctors..lawyers..(then), we also have this other special task that we promised to perform the minute we got out from our mummies bellies and cried horribly; the caliph. or to be exact, the title that we hold right now makes us all elligable to be caliph; under the title Muslims. a Muslim doctor would have to do more than any other doctor, they could treat the patients from the inside and out. eg. a Mat Rempit needs to be treated cuz his leg cracked from some torunament he had, so a doctors job is simply to treat the mans leg. but a Muslim doctor would also treat his other ilness that lead him to such misbehaviour, its the the soul inside that also hurts resulted from an infection of the sickness called Ghaflah (penyakit lupa pada Allah).

ok maybe too much of doctors example ;p. but always noe that we have this other special role to be done;because we are Muslims which Jihad falls wajib on each and everyone of us. the path of dakwah is always open together with any career path that we took, (not to fret, even acik kantin yang perlakuannya mulia pun orang boleh jadikan contoh).so here are some of the normal career paths that you could all venture differently and make it different.

1) Murabbi
- yep, it was my dads idea the minute i step foot in Maahad (sekolah agama). since i was trained with strict Murabbi when i was small to read the Quran with proper Tajwid, my dad got this frantic idea of wanting me to be an ustazah and teach the rest on how to read the Quran with proper Tajwid. not a bad idea since ill have my saham dunia akhirat, and that can be passed to my dad too ;p

2) Doctor
- ok this was my idea. basicly i enjoy watching people being cut into two. LOL. and yes i wished to change the smell of hospitals right now (the smells are quite vomitting). but along the way u ll get to help as many people as possible.

3) Engineer
- my sisters idea. she was eager to send me for studies in Japan since i was those car freaks. always dreaming that she ll come to japan and visit me often (the truth she just wants to go to japan and shop lol). my other sister would want me to study engeneering since her favourite was physics.she attended a seminar on some carcrash situation (mind u shes a medical student), and was awed by the head of some kementrian keselamatan talking about the force exerted from the back seater to the front seater when car crashed..etc. shes thinking of me becoming the new head later so she could have all those access towards the governments safety.

4) Lawyer/Magistrate
-again, the idea came from my sister who attended some inquest in courts. becoming a magistrate in the High Court would be thrilling. except that ur car have to be black-tinted, not to mention u wont have many friends. but ull get to control ur emotions quite well then. a rule to decide on a case; u cant be too happy, or too sad. and u may have to isolate urself for some time so u wont get affected by any parties just to be sure. well, lawyers.. are the one with big brains to be coordinated with their big mouths. of course u cant go like "umm..uummmm" in the middle of ur talkings ;p

5) Hafizah
-i guess this was all parents dreams for those who realize how blessed their life would be having someone in the family to memorize the whole Quran. as my ustaz prescribed, the ones who get to memorize the whole Quran are the chosen ones. Allah choses who get to muliakan Kitabnya. May Allah bless us all.

6) Politicians
- im not talking about PAS or UMNO or Pakatan here. ;p. to say that rite now politicians lead the world; they are our leaders. it takes lot to make a great politician/leader, and it would be even greater that the leader could lead us Muslims together to build a better future for Islam in this world. insya-Allah, the day will come...someday.

so have a go and take ur pick ;p

Mafhum ayat- Nya
"Adakah kamu menyangka (wahai manusia) yang kamu ini diciptakan dengan sia-sia dan kamu tidak dikembalikan kepada Kami (tidak sekali-kali)"

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Reunion of SRAIntegrasi BBB

it brings back memory~!!! first of all, just to clear things off. this blog is not for the purpose of updating others about myself (though its open for everyone to read).it just happens that sometimes i need a moment of myself to write down things for the sake pleasure of, myself of course. when someone might think this is too emotional or skematikus asparagus, then just go to the right side of this screen and click on the RED square of X. aint it so easy ;p ..? apologies if any of these entries got clashed with ur thoughts.. etc.

back to this entry; Finally the long awaited Reunion of Sekolah Rendah Agama Integrasi Bandar Baru Bangi
p/s; thaiyibah, sile amik gambar di sini.malas nak update kat fs yehh. ;p

On the 21st of November 2009, i was still sitting absentmindedy on the bed, blinking my eyes just a few couple of hundred times and decided to have breakfast a little while later when Thaiyibah called and asked whether im setting foot on todays Reunion of 4 consecutive batches of SRAI BBB. i totally forgot about the big day! lol. the phone was passed to someone and i knew right after who it was with the familiar screamings and shoutings; it was one of the alumni committee members, ameerah! she told me to come no.matter.what.

one hour later, i arrived with a smile from Ustaz Othman as a welcoming gesture. though at the beginning i was quite reluctant to go because of some problems..., as i see back their familiar faces, my heart leaped with joy and said maybe i might as well have fun spending the rest of the day with them.

miah hugged me tightly til i barely get to breathe as soon as she meets me. i saw thobah from afar (shes tall, so its easy to spot ;p) getting ready to play netball with a bunch of kids. i met with hazureen, the maahad kids, fakhrina, the j3 and j2 kids and a bunch of cute unfamiliar juniors ;p
my presence was also welcomed by the nonsense-talking DJ (azam), though i cant get a single word out of him. lol. surprisingly, we all mocked at how tall Azam is now.

so we zoomed around the school., greeting every teachers passing by. sir Kamil, cg Sarlina, cg Syamsidar, cg Azian (whom until now stil afraid to stand beside me!)... and i heard ustzh Fariz was there as well. a lot of teachers couldnt really come cuz they have classes on saturday. ustz Fitri is now the guru besar for some school (bless u.), Umi Rohaizah is in Ampang...with her husband i guess. its just unfortunate that i didnt get to see the lovely cg Siti Asmah to say thanks to her for sending me back and forth to Amal Islami Hafazan since i was in standard 3. Thank you teachers.. they are mostly the reasons of me becoming who i am rite now. and i couldnt even think of how to repay them cuz it wont be enough even if i sacrifice myself just to say thanks. only Allah knows better of what greatness awaits them in the after math. Allahu yubarik hum.

across the othe field, we can see the boys gather around to have futsal matches. bleggh. since they are all so tall and different enough i couldnt recognise a single of them except for a few people who became my comrades when doing nasty stuff. Anwaruddin, geng letak gam atas kerusi orang. lol. Zaim! geng suke cari gaduh sebab masing masing cakap banyak. Hafiz, even though baru masuk darjah 6 dah kena buli mcm2 sampai nak nangis ;p. its just that a few other gangs didnt come. Arul, geng baik suke senyum. Arep, geng suke gelakkan orang lepas tu panggil orang Wano Busuk. Afiq, mangse kena letak gam atas kerusi. Aqil, geng dulu2 mak suke masak sedap2.

before going back home, we set foot in the classroom that we used to be in. 3 Abu Bakar, 3 Ali... 4 Ali, kelas berhantu...Bilik air ade nenek kebayan (ustz fariz assured us it was only the mops hair).. i really feel like turning back the time when i dont have to think of the life of a teen; kanak2 ribena seems fun, and everlasting ;p

its great to spend time with people in our past times. even though its only for a day, thanks to the committee members for making the day memorable to me. my friends have turned out to be great people, shameful for me even my juniors already memorized 8 juz in Mitip (cnie ke korang..?) ;p Thank you so much to all who have grown up with me. i couldnt see Afifah, Atiqah and Najwa (the closest friends). maybe they had errands to do that they didnt come. Thank you so much to teachers for wanting to tolerate our mischevious behaviours. and most importantly thank you to Thaiyibah for reminding me that there is reunion. ;p (love u!)

this is our memory. this is a part of me. lets not lose it. FOREVER.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Game Over.

Im sorry but u have been warned that this as a matter of fact will sound EMO.
i can still hear it even right now. Arifuddin with his serious profound voice;

"kak wani dah kalah"

yes wanie, game over. finally i could say that, though it seemed that the game is over LONG time ago. and i lost. everyone out there should be happy. for me, Nor Syazwani had finally raised the white flag.

not for long.

i was stricken by todays outgoings that yes, im not ashamed to say that i lost control of myself (u guess what happened). it was supposed to be the audition of F1. only that another unexpected event happened along the way. lets just keep it simple to say that i was too deeply hurt by the incident. i repeat; too deeply hurt. i didnt noe what went wrong. was i the one who caused it? is it because of me? what did i do? is it really painful just to see my existence in this world? (which leads me to think that i'll be able to leave this world in no time if He wants to, so dont worry. Allah noes best) i asked all sorts of questions that brainstormed my head in a blink of an eye that i couldnt cope up with it anymore....and finally, i QUIT.

i can still hear it again and again "kak wani dah kalah"

but still, Tolin said; kak wani quit 2 bulan, lepas tu tahun depan masuk balik.

ingat ni buat lawak ke??? (shakes head for Tolin, or rather suruh Arif ketuk die dengan botol)

i lost once. i.wont.lose.again. i just have to try my best to work things out with what i have right now, not with what i used to have or what i will have/. even though Jijul may leave next year, Arif too... or even raihan and the F3s. i dont noe what will happen next year, but i WILL make it happen with or without anybody.

i cant stop myself from thinking about those who will leave me (my strengths in debate). i thanked them today, Jijul Arif Kimi ArifF1 Tolin Raihan Laila Ulfah Madihah and Aisyah for giving me the strengths to fight against part of myself thats losing all of it. They made me smile, even if they only speak for Two minutes or 4 minutes in their speech... but i can see their determination. Thank you.

but just another part tells me that im not gonna be the same again. heartless, cold blooded, call whatever you want. Im sorry, but this time will do. ive had enough. part of me died the day you killed me (figure that out urself).

"Allah tidak akan menguji manusia lebih daripada apa yang mampu ditanggungnya. Dia lebih menyayangi hamba ciptaanNya ini lebih daripada kita menyayangi diri kita sendiri."

Game Over.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Some Things Just Have to End

In just two more days, my ridiculous and ludicrous final examinations will end. The final end that we are all waiting for. eventually,,,.. today will end by having the sun settling down. so to say, everything must have an end, agree?

Whether we like it or not, this year (2009) will end soon. nows already November. and SCHOOL will end in just two more weeks. lets talk specifically about this year since its already ending. for the past 15 years, ive been living in my own sweet moments and life that i was too gobsmacked to run through a change this year. in addition to the topic, when everything has its end, wheres the start?

it all started this year when my life ended up as a Form 3. lots of people say that this year ill get my honeymoon year (in what terms of honeymoon i dont noe). as far as i noe, this year has been a total crazy, bizarre and spectacular experience to be kept in this memory bank. from the start of school, some of my friends and i was upset not to get into the first class (hhmmpphh, mcm layak je). i was in the rebellious state towards the school from the beginning. acting like a girl and being one myself, all of us hurriedly put down our names at the best places in class (cop tmpat maing masing). just my luck, i got to sit beside a very freaky and weird guy. lol. apologies to the guy because somehow we (me and Syafinah) really really think ur very freaky. the eraser incident (only we noe), i think must ve been an accident. but that just made things worse. ha ha.

the subjects of F4 are tough. i couldnt get a thing of what the teachers say at first. Syafinah always sleep beside me, then amazingly she'll explain to me what the teacher has been teaching add maths in front. until,, sunny day ustazah Che Ainu asked me to recite the ayat quran for Syariah and a week later, i got this key towards the biggest change in my life, so far. she asked me to represent the school in Majlis Tilawah Quran for hafazan. i have only less than two weeks to memorize 8 surahs and yes, i even plan to give the chance to another friend of mine, thinking that i couldnt do it in just two weeks. at the same time, i realize that this was what my parents want after all. so under constant motivation from my mom, friends and teachers, alhamdulilah i passed the zone level with fresh lines from ustaz Solah "bacaan kamu ni macam peringkat kebangsaan lah."

its already in March, and another side of the story hasnt been told yet. under the influence or rather persuasion from Iman, i put myself into debate two years ago. when Iman said that she felt very awkward as the youngest there, she needed a friend and yep, thats me. as time goes by, i realize that the debate team itself is great enough without my presence. i was as should be said, just a companion to be with at the moment. but still, i learned a lot from how to open up ur mind into other people's perspective, how to speak and most importantly, how to put those things in a debate. unfortunately, this year was my rebellious year! i decided to back off from debate but ended up just to have Iman giving me long lectures about how i will do great in debate. yeah right. however, a week after the school break.. she too left me for her better future.

for those who do not noe, debate and hafazan are two different things. you cant compare it to hafazan and tilawah or debate and public speaking. not that i say i have to split myself into two, but thats how it looked like when i first decided to do both debate and hafazan. not to mention, my studies will be constantly being pushed forward and backwards in terms of prioratizing. Alhamdulillah, even for the first time in hafazan competition, i managed to see the Kebangsaan level for myself as ustaz Solah prescribed. and as for debate, even thought the journey wasnt as long as other debaters may be, i can now say that ive experienced many things in life that i could be proud of. and even though i got number 13 in monthly test recently, (never in my life exceeding number 10), ill just have to work harder to be balanced.

to cut things short, no need to noe the hardships and laughters.. all of this will be ending soon, along with the end of the year. how i keep ranting about the school's oddity, how i really stink in Chemistry, how i stayed back late just to practice debate, how i locked myself just to see how far can i memorize ayat quran in a day.... its all ending.strong friendships, or happy relationships with people, somehow will end when its time (maybe the time when we die). people say we shouldnt look behind and live with the past. but i cant help to think that if we cant remember the past,we will not be able to make a future (or its just my saying that i hate to think of the future).

when theres an ending, theres always a new start towards something new. this year needs to end, next year wil be the start of something new. whats next to come, i dont noe. what i can truly hope for is Allah never left my side to continue this journey.

unfinished journey;
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within" - Ramona L. Anderson

Friday, October 30, 2009

Need a break out of the Natural Phenomenon. ;p

You Are An INFP

The Idealist

You are a creative person with a great imagination. You enjoy living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close to you.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.
You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.

At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

source; blogthings. com

p/s; i should be an artist...??? LOL.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Musleh (ii) part 2

3.30pm; main hall.

we were kinda late; back from the hospital cafeteria. we arrived just as the theme was getting introduced. i wasnt feeling any good about that. so still panting by the quick walk, i sat with Laila and took out everything (papers and pens) to get ready for the next round. the food is still churning inside the stomach and i noe that it effects my mood. i stayed quiet.

since we won quite big the last time, we were being placed in Room 3. and this time we were the government! Kimi must be thrilled. but the thought of our opponents disturbed me since last nite i remembered Fakhry saying those who have to fight the school must have a hard time. just our luck; Integrated Islamic School, Kota Damansara. wanie, come on think positive!



on the motion THBT Trade is better than Aid.

we started running towards the room, and whats even worse was that the room wasnt in the same building; it was beside this very building. great, that just swallowed up lots of our little quarantine time. i remembered that we were in the lift at one time, then we have to climb up the stairs because of some miscommunication. a sudden thought brought us even more panick; no one seems to have the Almanac book of facts! and since Laila will not be talking this round she has to pace back our moves and trace the book. poor Laila. everything was not right at that time.

meanwhile, we sat down and decided whether to go global/international or focus on only one country. we seemed lost without the book. of course, me and Kimi were hanging with no strings about what in the world would we be talking. my head started spinning again with questions like aid as in medical help (Persatuan Bulan Sabit Merah)..? ok this is not good. during the last minute, Laila finally caught up to us and gave us the missing Almanac. Alhamdulillah! and we also decided that this time, Fakhry will be the 1st speaker and Kimi will be second. our points werent that clear, what i can conclude at that time is just to differentiate things between Trade and Aid.

in the room, we met the same judge! (yes, the cute one).laila was our timekeeper. our opponents were all girls.and they looked very confident. while im deranged over some matter about economy, the judge introduced the debate today as he did to us previously. and with no further wasting time, the debate started. i noticed Fakhry's dad was sitting behind to watch the debate. there was also a lot of our opponent's supporters. i looked at my own papers, and laughed wickedly inside with a surge of fear; what the hell am i going to talk about?!

as usual, Fakhry introduced the motion and lead the role as the 1st speaker. he gave lots of explanations about the differences which i really really took note of. then came up the 1st speaker of the opposition, she was tall and spoke with great pomp. she stressed out about the poor countries who cant afford to do trade. and then Kimi was next, and he managed to ease off this debate with his starting off speech in Musleh. well, he didnt really have very strong points to talk about except to continue what Fakhry has been saying, and after a 4minutes + talking, he said "i guess i have nothing else to say" and everybody kinda smile towards his spontanity. even the judge laughed and made that as the highlights for the day. so came the 2nd speaker to stress out again and again about the poor countries which got me really annoyed that time because our yardstick was about "developing" countries, not "poor" countries. then suddenly something happened which got them pissed for a while. Laila accidentally rang the bell before the time it should and they happened to count the time as well. alhamdulillah the judge understood it was an accident and cleared things off. but im pretty sure that their lot werent satisfied. sorry for that but we have no argues for u guys to continue ur speech if u want. then finally it was my turn! i thought i was pretty calm because of the judge's face. LOL. firstly, i told them to cut off the "poor" countries and stick to the developing countries. and yes, though some of them are poor, they still manage do trade. proof? Indonesia! during the economy downfall in the 20th century. what i dont really understand is they compare to countries like Afghanistan in the middle of the war, and what if Tsunami came, should trade be useful? somehows i slipped the word "keen hearted" to them as to say maybe, just maybe they thought aid was better than trade in times of natural disaster only. the rest.... i can finally rest in peace during the reply speech (which i wasnt in peace at all)

the result was very surprising, again! anything is unexpected in Musleh. lol. well, we won! by a margin of 8! the winning wasnt that of a surprise but the margin was! and i thought that this school was a tough fighter. the judge said that the theme was economy and we managed to stick to it, while the opposition had been playing with psychological factor such as the natural disaster. he said that since he is a psychologist, he would give the margin to 8 but if the judge was an economist, the margin would have been even bigger. Alhamdulillah! i was beyond happy! and the judge also gave us another piece of advice. since this is the first timer for Kimi, he suggested Kimi to practice more and try to finish the speech in the 7 minutes time. as for Fakhry, he said he was a bit hasty (mind you judge, he likes to talk in a very fast mode to coordinate with his fast brain). and he also said to me that i didnt look very nervous this time. in the end, he gave the title of best speaker to me. i was so thrilled by OUR win that i didnt care. i wasnt aiming for anything like that. im more than relieved to finish up my 7 minutes! Hmpph, how peculiar things happened. in quarantine we were so in no control of anything. next thing we knew, we won!

i can only say Alhamdulillah.
to our hang out place; surau.
and some sujud syukur definitely.

Allahumma yusahhilna. ameen..

To be Continued.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Whats Happening; i'm broken.

Sitting here and typing relentlessly, im left nothing but weakness.

i havent been to school today as i should.teacher mahmudah wants to have a 2-hours add maths class during the evening, a 2-periods of class that shouldnt be missed, a clash of chemistry class with the rehearsal of Hari Q,,.... i just couldnt make it. lying here with a weak body (demam), a hopeless mind, and an inevitable upcoming events.. at one time i would want to let it ALL out, another time i would be listening to my iPod with the highest pitch i could ever get till my ear hurts, then some times i'd rather spend reading my Quran and up to a moment when tears just rolled down the cheeks without any reason.

Sigh........... i'm broken with pieces that i couldnt even rescatter.

part of me strongly agrees that this is just the stress out of the upcoming examination. part of me says thats just crap. the whole situation have been wrong; fake (i wonder how many times have i said the word "fake"). the last debate practice have proved something to me; smiling for others is just too painful. (sounds selfish ehh?) i remember asking them "korang ada pegangan hidup x?" but right now theres no such thing in me.

these past weeks im trying hard to have a laugh with Kero and Hani. they made such silly jokes about 'fake' handphones and such that i cant help joining them. for that, i thank them. those laughs lighted me up a bit. during the evening, i will be busy talking with my debate family. all those tiredness slipped away whenever i see their determination to learn. im not asking anything in return, i dont even think of wanting to be appreciated as i can only share LITTLE of what i have. and recently, we have had our debate practice back; with a will from my Twin as an introduction. we plant in them some seed of hope; and yet everything seems so fake.

Sighh....... Hope. Im losing hope, thats just it. and I know I shouldnt be doing this.

"janganlah kamu bersikap lemah dan janganlah kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang yang paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu orang yang beriman. "

After this, Insya-Allah i'll be leaving this chapter of my life and start a new happy-ending chapter. i have to be stronger for myself, and others. i need to be closer to my Creator. this is an unfinshed journey, and its just the beginning. i cant and wont fall down.

The things i usually do before anything ; p

to my parents;
im sorry that i havent been carrying your hopes and dreams on my shoulder yet. im sorry for ALL the troubles, that doesnt seem worth at all giving birth to me. im sorry if i ever break your heart in any kinds of ways (i know i do). im sorry... that i desperately need u in my life.

to my siblings; im sorry for all the quarrels. im sorry that ive been ignoring ur existence in the house in times of my mood swings ;p im sorry that i didnt listen to whats right and stick up to my ego whenever i feel like doing so. im sorry that ive been asking u to get out from the room whenever i feel annoyed (well korang used to do that to me when i was little righ???). im sorry that mom picked me up from the garbage can (as prescribed by my sister of how do i exist in the first place. lol.) im sorry... that i havent become a better person.

to my debate family;im sorry, if any of u detected my stressful tone when i motivated u guys (i doubt it). im sorry that i told u to believe in yourself whereas i dont believe in myself. im sorry if i give u too much pressure by stressing out my hopes and dreams for everyone of us. im sorry that sometimes i fake a laugh at the jokes in times of sorry for a lot of things that mayb the f1 and f2 cant understand yet. im sorry... if i turn out selfish and couldnt be there with u guys.

above all that, this chapter taught me something. this chapter will be compiled with other chapters to show that i grew up from these situations and will become a better person some day... i must not give in, i must not give up. together in this world we live to pursue our hopes and dreams, with great determination and endurance, for come hell or high water, we will always be together. to search for Allah's blessings in life, is no playful matter. to reach out His unrequitted love, is no weak challenge. to fight in His way, ill be needing lots of more than this.

insya-Allah, i will grow up from this.

in search of light,

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Happy Eid Mubarak

20 September 2009/ 1 Syawal 1430 H ; Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin~!

Alhamdulillah, this year we are still given the opportunities to fully perform our fastings in Ramadhan and welcome the month of Syawal. the purpose of celebrating Hari Raya is to only mark down the victory of all Muslims to be able to complete their fastings in Ramadhan. fasting may be normal for us but it is in fact very challenging for the others. Though we are encouraged to celebrate it, but the word "too much" comes in mind as we observe the Malay's culture of celebrating it (its not that im excluded). anyhow, heres what ive got for this raya.

yep, my dad still with his annual custom; sleeping whenever he is full. LOL. on the first day of raya, we went to Klang, Selangor (not so much of kampung) to visit our relatives (mainly, uncles and aunts) from the side of my father. i was thrilled to go there this year as i have finally understood the adults' talkings and point of veiws. of course, the food was superb (creamy lodeh and lontong) and my third sister raced up with my dad to finish up their lontong. along the process of getting to know our relatives, we (the three sisters who hasnt got married yet) got a little boring and went hyper with our iPods. so you see, theres not much of getting 'to know' our cousins after all (they pretty much do their own stuffs as well). my third sister was shouting "zombie datang!!" all the way when she played resident evil and we were laughing like mad while the elderly got their ways to kerepek and kuih muih.
at Cik Ros' house (its the place where my dad fell asleep), we met a very adorable and cute cat name Among (i think the name was taken from chinese drama Devil Beside You). she was very cuddly and was purring all along while playing with us, until she accidentally scratched my hand and ran away. ha ha ha. we resumed with our iPods by playing something that generates our minds but we were too slow and ended up laughing again while having a mouthful of kuih raya (mainly famous amous and something with cherry).
then we move to shah alam to visit my moms sister. now the whole environment changed because finally we have someone our size to talk to; k.Nadia! Aqil, her big brother ended up washing the dishes at the kitchen while the girls gather around and have some ridiculous conversations about our moms. LOL. no wonder they are called sisters, they are all the same. a lot of people will call them twins because of their almost-the-same looks, and we would call them bewitched because they also do the same thing (i mean, their habbits). of course, my dad went into his deep sleep again after praying and ignored Pak Ngah's presence. LOL.
overall, the first day of raya felt like having some visits to the city. i was raised to be a budak bandar (not that i like it) and honestly, i never got the chance to feel the environment of a real Kampung (rumah kayu, bakar lemang, jerang air atas kayu api...etc). my grandparents died when i havent got eyes to see them. and honestly, since my father is a Jawa-ian, i wouldnt want to feel the environment of Kampung by staying over nights at our real kampung, Pulau Jawa. ha ha ha.
Going to my dad's side and my mom's side on the same day made the whole difference. at Klang, their way of thinking seems to vary from us. they are more towards the culture, traditions and customs. nothing else matters. and when having some conversations, they would always think traditionally. ha ha ha. its not that were too modern, its just to show that our point of veiws varies. on my moms side, they have been westernized from having to live in overseas since they were small. we communicate in english, and discuss some global issues with open minds. our thinking varies as well but the culture isnt as strong as my dad's side. we only communicate in english because they cant understand b.Melayu perfectly; not that were proud of it or something.

so to conclude; on the first day of Raya, i did lots of laughing, playing games, listening to music and most importantly, eating.
Happy Eid Mubarak

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


We (Kero, me and Hani) share the same interests. LOL. its what you call contagious, addictive and influential. just recently, i couldnt stop talking about Super Junior. Now, i couldnt stop watching this; Timeless.

what captures me the most isnt the song, but the way they put it with the MV (again.). if you are one of korean freaks like me, then once upon a time you must ve heard the popular song Because Im a Girl-Kiss. well, that song became popular because of its MV. this time,,.. its probably the same. in addition, it was sung by Xiah Junsu, one of DBSK members featuring some female korean singer. and the guy who became the police is Hankyung (Super Junior) and the bad guy was played by Shiwon (also Super Junior). their acting made the whole MV very lively especially when Shiwon made his wicked expressions in the van (watch it then u'll see).

The Story like This;

Shiwon (the bad guy) is very rich and influential in his world. but at the same time, he has a hobby of being a criminal (robbing and doing God knows what bad people always do). One day, it seemed that the police has been alerted by his hobby and cornered him. while trying to save his life, he caught an innocent victim to be made hostage (a girl). the police surrounded him, armed with guns and weapons but couldnt do anything because of the girl. so came their Chief Inspector (Hankyung), getting out from a black Rexton very cooly and tried to calm things down.; the police wanted to negotiate. but soon, Hankyung realized that the girl isnt actually a nobody; it was the girl he's in love with (his girlfriend). in a blink of an eye, he grabbed his gun and pointed out towards the criminal while shouting and threatening to let her go. Hankyung lost his senses of performing a police's duty and emotions overshadowed his rationalities. he couldnt let anything hurt the girl. things went frantic and one stupid police let out a shot towards Shiwon (but missed). Shiwon countered the shot back by shooting Hankyung and it hit him on the head.

1 year later, Hankyung is still lying motionlessly on the hospital bed. his brain isnt giving him any signals.only the machines supported him so to say that he is in an everlasting coma. in the end, his parents decided to let him go and donate his organs to the ones in need. the girl, of course stayed with him till the end.... (bleggh Shiwon is sooo cruel!)

at the same time, Shiwon fell sick and it was confirmed that he needed to do a heart transplant in order to continue living. the hospital didnt have any matches with Shiwon at first but then the doctor found a freshly new heart just recently. it matched! (blegghh.) the surgery was a success but soon Shiwon started to have flashes of memories that didnt belong to him. flashes of memories with a girl; he once "acquainted" with.

after having some investigations, it turns out that the heart Shiwon recieved once belonged to Hankyung. he met the girl to tell the truth and regretted of everything thats happened....

take note; Shiwon's expression when he uncovered his face in the van (its wicked!), and personally it was very enjoyable to watch the doctor cut open Shiwon's chest with the scalpel. i wonder when can i slice open a person like that. LOL. the scalpel looked very nice! plus the heart looked real (its real, as shown in the making of the MV).

Overall, it was very stupid for the silly cop to shoot the bad guy without any orders. it was stupid for Hankyung to let his feelings overpower his mind. and most importantly, it was so stupid for Shiwon to have such bad hobbies. but it left a sad feeling if u watch it emotionally. LOL

so.. enjoy~ Timeless Love.

Timeless-Part 1

Timeless-Part 2

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Oddity; welcome back school!

15th Ramadhan; i noe i shouldnt be doing this.

what in the world just strike out my school? obviously, their unusual oddity is outrageous! (to students..) After a week of pure unfortunate holidays, i was beginning to think that going back to school wasnt that bad after all. i got to see Kero and Hani again so we can race reading the quran 30 Juz. not to mention now i have accidentally put myself in their SUJU circle; now im crazy with Kangin, Ryeowook, and KIBUM! not a single day is spent without turning back to their seats and talking feverishly with them about SUJU [sigh..lagha nyer.]

until one fine day, during the assembly, our beloved ustazah Marzilah informed/ordered us with some freaky astounding news.
1) all students are warned not to put their books (i thought SPBT books only, at first) in the space under their table. spot checks will be done in the short term and imeediate actions will be taken with books found under tables.
2) students are not allowed to put their bags at the canteen/pondok KO-OP in the morning before the assembly. students can either bring their bags straight up to class or bring along the bags with them to the assembly.

ape nie???

i didnt really care at first. since i thought the first news only concerned the SPBT books. meaning we can still leave our heavy buku latihan or if the text books werent belong to SPBT. the 2nd news seems pretty reasonable (as if). maybe there are students who enjoy delayness and made the 1st period teacher angry for turning up late. that is the only solution that the school could think of. blegghh.

but yesterday, Pn Noorgayah informed us that no books, or even papers are allowed to be under the table. we questioned about exercise books..etc etc but then she told us that later that evening, there will be spot checks regarding this and any books (even buku latihan, and buku nota) will be thrown into the black plastic bag (bakul sampah lah, duhh). so save our books!

what a cracker!

sincerely, we dont get it. we understand if the policy is to preserve the SPBT text books. i noe because of some students attitude, they tend to take SPBT books for granted. for that, its the students fault. its not too much to say that we would obey the rules and bring back our SPBT books. i only left my OWN text book and some exercise books under my table. but the idiosyncrasy of this is that we cant put ANY FORMS OF BOOKS UNDER THE DAMN TABLE (forgive me for the language). can any one please tell me the point of having us to do that? or maybe its better if u just kopakkan the table so that it wont have any compartments for us to put things there?

please understand. once upon a time, they used to be students just like us. i noe they suffered more than us (like going to school barefooted, leaving the house around 5 am. to walk to school for 5 miles... etc etc.) but some of us have that kinda problems too. there are parents who stopped their kid at the bus stop or even at the opposite of the jejantas and those poor students have to walk their way to the entrance of Maahad which is like 5 minutes away...with all those books! even i couldnt stand it, having to carry those books from the drop zone. the whole point is that these books are too heavy to be carried around all the time. and whose to be blamed if we all decided not to bring certain books to school, and just stared helplessly around in class if teachers asked for the books? whose to be blamed if some students (like me) have spine problems (x leh angkat bag berat sangat), or even hand problems (x leh nak pegang buku berat sangat..)..? are you suggesting that i hire a maid and let her carry all my things while dragging her along to school with me???

not that i dont agree with what ustzh Marzilah said; boleh dapat lebih berkat jika ilmu itu sentiasa dibawa bersama kita. but its totally contradicting because pn Noorgayah said to us that the books found under tables in spot checks will be thrown in the dustbin. now because of one silly school's rules, u want to throw away ILMU?? isnt that a bit irresponsible?

i dont noe if my anger is clouding the rationalities inside my head but honestly i dont see any point of having such rules. thought right now i have this spine problem, i bet it this continues on, a lot more Maahad students will have to see or orthopaedics to get their spine checked , especially those yang kecik2 tp bawak bag lagi besar dr mereka.

Kero continuously said to me; One More Year and were out of here.
wanie; yeah one more year and i'll break my spine. God knows what else will this school do to us next year.
Hani; ha ha ha! cepat lah satu tahun lagi!
wanie; cant wait too! [dalam hati rase nak pindah skola ikut Syafinah pergi Kedah je.]

Thursday, August 27, 2009

sultan Muhammad al-Fateh

"those who cant remember the past, are condemned to repeat it"

kata kata inilah yang selalu kita lihat di helaian helaian buku teks sejarah bermulalah dari tingkatan 1-5. manusia itu pelupa. apabila mereka berada di atas puncak, mereka lupa bagaimana susahnya mereka pernah mendaki kaki bukit pada suatu masa dahulu. begitu juga sebaliknya. manusia yang tidak berwawasan (macam saya je;sedar diri) yang berada di bawah akan selalu menyalahkan nasib dan tidak akan berusaha sehabis daya untuk memajukan diri untuk sampai ke puncak.

berkaitan dengan tajuk post di atas, recent readings have somehow touched me from the inside on how ludicrously little do we know about our religion; Islam. starting from its many roads of knowledge; ulum quran, ulum hadith, usuluddin, sirah, ibadah, and up to syariah, engineering, and medicine based from the Quran. bukan hendak membuka pekung di dada, tetapi kadang kadang kita umat Islam sendiri lupa bila tarikhnya Maulud Nabi S.A.W, nuzul Quran, Isra' Mi'raj dll.

"alah..x payah nak ingat tarikh sebenarnya. cuma kena menghayati saja"

nak hayati apa kalau nuzul Quran pun dikatakan bulan zulhijjah? these little things actually make up for the big things. berbalik pada tajuk post ini (masya-Allah teruknya bahasa), terdapat sebuah buku yang merungkai kisah hidup seorang tokoh terbilang yang bernama sultan Muhammad al-Fateh (kenal x nih?) yang diterbitkan oleh PTS. buku ini sangat cantik kerana bentuk penulisannya diolah ala ala novel. so bila berlakunya perbualan antara mereka, nampak macam live. =)

so, what do u know about sultan Muhammad al-Fateh? his real name was Muhammad and later al-Fateh (pembuka) was added after his success in defeating the King of Constantinople ( now known as Istanbul; Turki). now this great kid defeated the old King when he was only erm... 21? some say 20..19. tak kisah lah. but look at us right now! what can we do at the age of 21? baru dapat kebenaran nak mengundi pilihan raya. itupun tak pasti buat undi rosak ke tidak.

in the book, he was described as a very young, tall and handsome person in hand. when he was little, it is said that his father wished very dearly for him to continue trying to overtake the cruel Constantinople's reign. being the son of a great king, he was very spoilt at that time...until an ulama came and offered himself to be the teacher of this young conquerer. the ulama changed him for the better and soon sultan Muhammad al-Fateh realized that he had a purpose for living in this world. the ulama told his father that there was a hadith from Rasulullah S.A.W that the one who would conquer Constantinople must be a good king, must have a good citizen, and a good army.
it was destined for him to be the one. sultan Muhammad al-Fateh never leave the amalan of solat tahajjud every night since he reached puberty. before he could reach out towards his army and citizen, he reflected himself; always trying to be better and better. who wouldnt love him at that time? he ruled the country after his father's death with uttermost responsibility.
the fact that he conquered the world at a very young age; subhanallah. it ll be nice to read the book once again if i have the chance (the book belongs to Kero). for those out there, grab this chance and go to the nearest book store to get hold of this book. think of the wasted time thats spent on reading love novels (Adam dan Hawa ke...ha ha ha), epic thriller or even fairy tales (Harry Potter fairy tales ke?) while once upon a time, one man was trying very hard to spread Islam at times like this.
erkk, im not commenting about whats happening in Turki right now. i mean, the last time i went there the girls dont even wear scarfs anymore. *sighs.*
-mcm text Nilam nak jual buku je-

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Musleh (ii) Part 1

Day Two: i woke up around 5.30 am. and found out that the lights werent working. the room was very dim except for one bulb left lighting us up. no choice left, i really really really wanted to have a shower. so yes, brought in my hp to be the torchlight and.. oh well u got the idea.

now that i got my refreshing shower, my head started spinning the rightway! its D-day! i was told that there will be 4 rounds of debate today. only,, it happened to be 3. alhamdulillah! it wasnt that hard to wake Laila up. i guessed she felt the panick too rising because she was silent the whole morning. but honestly, to be able to be one of the speakers in debate at the age of 14, you should be honoured. i started this year as the 3rd speaker (mainly because there was no body else around) at the age of 16! for me it was very late.. and old. but not to blame anyone, im just not good in it.

so we went downstairs and found no signs of Kimi and Fakhry. and i thought we were late... i didnt manage to munch the burger that was sent to our room last nite around 3 am so basicly, i was starving. and i didnt even bring my gastric liqiud (not that its effective if i didnt eat anything). plus there was this one SRI Ayesha girl who puked out of sudden (maybe because she didnt eat last nite), one having cold and the rest didnt really feel good because they had late dinner last nite. ustaz Zaki handed me a few 50 notes and told me to get them breakfast at the cafeteria. ehhh,... erm.. 1) my communication skills suck when it comes to this part! 2) usually my dad would do the bills after i had breakfast at hotels so how do we pay again?? they were totally counting on me to get them breakfast and do the talking! it was awkward! but to cut things short, ALL of us got to eat without having to pay (initially, only two person per room could get to eat but the kakak let ALL of us in. bear in mind that there were 7 people per room. )

we rushed to the venue of debate and alhamdulillah, it was just about to start. we had to make 3 trips of Avanza to get to the venue (squished and crumpled and cramped up in the car; once in a lifetime experience). i could see the SMIH now, talking or rather discussing with each other. excited, panic, gelabah, call whatever u want. its all in one. like the feeling of having to sit for SPM but you didnt read anything! wanie + Laila = deadmeat; nervous gile! before we knew it, the theme popped up on the screen.

EDUCATION; ROOM 8: SMI al-Amin Bangi VS SMKA Maahad Hamidiah

we were the opposition and Laila will be having her first debate in a tournament! SMI al-Amin Bangi sounded nice too at first. because both of us came from Bangi. we took the lift to the highest level of the building and found an open rooftop with KLCC being the veiw and rooms to be shared! i remembered the first time meeting our opponents, there was this one big guy outshining his other team mates who were girls (kecik kecik aje). but size isnt the one that matters; i knew it long time ago. it the size of ur brain that counts!

by this time, i couldnt care less about all the nervousness because it took a TEAM to get here. and i already have my OWN TEAM; the one i picked, the one i would love to share the shed of tears of either victory or defeat. so the motion; THBT SCHOOL ATTENDENCE SHOULD BE VOLUNTARY. we had our quarantines outside the room looking at the sky whenever we were out of idea. whats odd is that in IIU, the 3o minutes given seemed too short to be true. but here, 30 minutes seemed to be more than enough (for this round). we finished buiding our cases in 15 minutes and as usual, i was quite most of the times because of the blankness. Laila kept switching papers because everytime she wrote down something, the paper would look untidy. Kimi helped by searching for every words of the motion in the dictionary. Fakhry started explaining the learning process in US (he always refer everything in US) while i would ask questions regarding the facts he gave us.

before starting our debate, we were introduced to the judge ( i cant remember the judge's name, sorry) but he was very cute (i meant his personality). he studied psychology in scottland and sounded very experienced. he said that we would all just have to try our best and let go of the nervousness. since were the opp, the gov's 1st speaker stood up and gave her speech. ahhh! how i miss having to hear this! only that now my hands are trembling to write down the rebuttals. LOL. the part that we were all waiting for; Laila's 1st speech! since Fakhry sat down in between and the space wasnt that wide, we didnt get to do the 'salam' thing. but we were all really proud of her for she has swipe away her fear and delivered what she remembered for 4 minutes. the gov's 2nd speaker was next and she too seemed very nervous and i think it must be one of her very 1st speech as well. that just gave Fakhry the opportunity to crush the gov's 1st and 2nd speaker. we said that students under 18 didnt have the right rationalities yet and there is greater factors that can influence their decision (laziness, not having to go with difficulties,etc). it all sounded well until the 3rd speaker of the gov's team stood up (yep the big guy). for once, i didnt like his tone and he spoke as if we were having a fight instead of a nice peace and harmony debate. bleghh. and when it came to my part, my hands were as cold as the ice. this is the moment; just face it and let bygones be bygones. LOL. with shaking voice, i continued the rationalities part and tried to sync the speech in any way i could. it was, just like in the IIU if i could still remember, making the same mistakes and not delivering it the right way. i was just relieved that i could finish up my 7 minutes speech but it felt awful for the rest. overall, we were partly influenced by the gov's way of debating; misleading us.

the outcome was even more surprising. we WON by a margin of 12! whats even more outrageous is that there is a tie for the best speaker; between me and Fakhry. ha ha ha ha ha ha. that part was unbelievable i almost wanted to point out my veiw to the judge saying that this guy beside me taught me practicallY EVERYTHING in debate. how could it be a tie? but in the end, the title went to Fakhry because the judge said that i looked nervous and his speech was more synchronized than mine. it didnt bother me at all instead it felt as if the right thing was done. the judge also gave us a piece of advice for each person; Laila needs to practice speaking more and overcome her nervousness. Fakhry needs to stop smiling for no reason during his speech and should be a bit more serious. LOL (if the judge knows how serious he is...) and i shouldnt rush into things and be more calm in delivering my point of veiws. the judge gave us a new spirit of debate, the one that we thought we lost during IIU. debate is teamwork, fun, generates funny ideas from ur brain with lots of embarrassing moments!

after the judge left us, we shake our hands with the gov team and i couldnt stop hugging and jumping with Laila in front of them. the gov must be pissed at how childish i was at that time. Fakhry even have to warn me not to melompat2 in front of others (there were teachers of SMI al-amin Bangi too.) but for me, the feeling of winning here is VERY DIFFERENT than winning in IIU (mind u, i didnt melompat2 when we won in IIU). it felt as if the whole team took part in the debate even thought Kimi didnt talk. it felt like each and every one of us should just smile crazily towards each other and say nothing but Alhamdulillah. it felt that we did our best for the sake of the team even though we did craps. it did not feel like winning, it felt like EVERYTHING ELSE except for winning. LOL.

at the main hall, Athirah suddenly poked me and said "a margin of 12?!" i didnt noe the margin was so big at that time and i thought she was lying. ha ha ha. the four of us then gathered around to have some recaps of the previous debate. we always take note of what the judge commented and improve on something. we promised each other that winning is not the key, its just trying our best. we came here to learn something, not to win. Kimi was thrilled for the next debate as we assumed that we will be the gov next. before we knew it, Kimi and Fakhry had to go for their Solat Jumaat while me and Laila went to the hotel's surau to perfom our Zohor prayers. we asked the guys to get us some food because we were so lazy to get out of the hotel's surau (it was very comfy and cold) and ended up troubling Fakhry to show us the cafeteria at the hospital ( i thought the cafeteria was in the hotel) cuz we were too embarrassed to eat the food at the main venue. Laila picked first (kuay teow) and i had to eat the chicken chop left. the thing is, the chicken was oily and since the eating is kinda late and my stomach already poured out lots of gastric juice, i was sure to vomit afterwards if i resume eating it. chicken chop later, Laila's kuay teow it is. LOL

with sleepy eyes and full stomach, i am ready for the next round of debate.

to be continued...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


4th of Ramadhan: i lost a part of my self.

Tam Tam (u can see that its all in black..) left me today with nothing. i sounded like i have just gone through a break up in relationship but its WORSE than that (not that i noe how does it feel to break up with someone.,.,,.). Tam Tam is in fact the only thing that i could focus on these last few months. he (well Tam Tam is jantan) is in fact the lemon of my heart, the durian of my soul.

he left me, for Allah's greater Love.

he had been infected by a fungal disease called sporotrichosis and had been suffering for almost three months. for those out there who havent been in this situation before, u couldnt imagine what it felt, loving and being loved by other creatures aside from human beings. their love is unconditionally blind. the feeling when he greeted me home as if he'd been waiting for me from the start (padahal baru balik menggatal dengan kucing sebelah), the sound of his different tones of meows, u could tell whether he's angry or hungry or even disappointed, the apologetic looks he gave when he did something wrong...or even the concerned looks he made as though he understands it perfectly from the beginning when i told him my problems.

at first, i thought that the bruises on his skin were normal because Tam Tam in real life is a very tough fighter. he acted as if he's the protector of the house; chasing and getting rid of every single cat that passes his territory except for his family circle. whats funny is that being a cat, he couldnt actually identify which one is in his family circle and which one isnt. sometimes we caught him chasing and bashing out his own mother and in the end we had to interfere and i was the one who would scold him and said "nak jadi anak derhaka???". day by day, i couldnt care less about his bruises getting redder and said to myself that the wounds would heal by themselves. that was mistake number one. i was so busy that i had to focus on hafazan, studies and debate (God knows why im so active this year. last year nobody wanted me) and eventually, i ignored him.

not long, i felt something was not right and i asked my mom to bring him to the vet. the vet was very friendly he instantly called Tam Tam 'sayang' after first hand meeting him. but along with that, he gave me a stern look while taking some sample out of his bruises to be checked under the microscope. in the end, it turned out to be grapy-shaped as confirmed by the vet, its not normal bruises but instead, its a fungal infection. right after that, the vet gave us two choices; either putting him to sleep or having the risk to be infected too by taking care of him. we were undecided. we had to put him there for a week because no body was around to give him the antidote (i was away, ihtifal SMKA). Thank you, doctor.. i know u took care of Tam Tam the right way.

i asked my mom to be considerate and questioned her on what term do we have the right to take the creature's life. so we kept him, with preventive measures taken and all (i had to wear masks and latex gloves to be in one meter radius from him). i could see that he appreciated the decision we decided on. and he tried his best too (he was the best patient ive ever treated. feeding him the antidote was always easy for me).

but in the end, it was too late. treating fungal disease is not as simple as u think. im not sure of how does it develop inside the body but later this time the fungus had infected his internal organs. his last few days were spent moewing at me at every chance he had. while i feed him with the antidote and put some cream over his ulcer, he didnt budge nor strike me the way he always did whenever someone got into his way. at times, his eyes were telling me that its time for me to let go. but other times his eyes begged me to do something so he could live a little while longer.

i did what i could, though it wasnt enough. i was with him till the end. and somehow, i know he wanted this to end. for he had been suffering too much keeping himself alive for my sake. for that, i am sorry. but u of all people made me realize that we cant just have our own way all the time, and its time i return Allah's possession that i once borrowed.

May Allah bless,

in memories; Tam Tam.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Doushite Kimi wo Suki ni Natte Shimattandarou

Recently, ive been falling in love with TVXQ/DBSK/TOHOSHINKI, a korean band. uuhh. ok i was influenced by Kero at first with Suju but honestly, Suju really knows how to entertain people but their voices was somewhat not up to my standard. HA HA HA. thats when i found this band when i explored my sister's Apple Mac there was this song called Doushite Kimi wo Suki ni Natte Shimattandarou by DBSK. one of her freinds uploaded it and at first, i wasnt that obsessed with the song not until i watched thhe MV and read the translation of the song. HA HA HA. well, the translation was somewhat too jiwang for me but it FITS PERFECTLY with the MV. so thats basicly the reason why im into this song suddenly.

another song from DBSK that caught up to me is crazy love. now, im a bit unclarified myself as to which part of the song attracted me. the lyrics was yes, CRAZY. mayb it was the beat. one sunny evening, i was crazily thinking about something (stressed) when i copied this song from my sister's Apple Mac again.. into my iPod Touch. i plugged the earphone into my ears and turn on to the highest volume (its not advisable to do this unless u r really, really, really stressed out. it may hurt your cochlea.)

so after a few days, i became like this. in love with DBSK as Kero would put it, 'wanie jiwang' . LOL. ohh and also not to disappoint Kero and Hani for enthusiastically telling me about Suju's Intimate Note, i watched it!! and it was hilarious. thx it made my day~! =)

TOHOSHINKI, doushite. enjoy~

Here's the script to the scenes:


[Girl]: Long time no see...

[Boy]: Long time no see. How are you doing, fine?

[Girl]: Hmm...(gets nervous to tell the truth)(song starts)(intermission)[Girl]: I...I will get married soon.

(song resumes)

(song ends)

[Boy]: (feeling sad) Please be happy, okay?

[Girl]: (feels a bit shocked at his response, hesitant to say anything) Hmm. (walks away....turns around and says "Sayonara..." (meaning 'goodbye' in Japanese).

Friday, August 21, 2009

Allahumma Ballighna Ramadhan

One thing that touches my heart last friday was when ustz Mahdzir Imamkan us solat Dhuha and Hajat and asked us to insert a doa which is Allahumma Ballighna Ramadhan (Ya Allah sampaikanlah kami kepada Ramadhan.) Ramadhan has come to us and i couldnt help but feeling a spang of sadness and repency.

'Which is it, of the favours of your Lord, that ye deny?' surah Ar-Rahman.

i was about to angkat takbir when Hani came right behind me and slipped the news that made me dumbfounded for the rest of the day. i was told that Fakhry is positive influenze A and might be infected by the H1N1 virus (now the whole school knows about it.) My head went blank and for some reason tears streamed down without stopping even when i ordered them to stop. we were just talking to him the other day while having a debate practice and he looked fine (meaning fine here is sedap mata memandang.. but not the fact that he gets skinnier each day and batuk-batuk).

to cut things short, he is in fact, in pain. and the whole point of writing this for me is just that i have not one single idea of how to help him. the same goes when i couldnt help him help teacher Saniah. the same goes when i was so helpless seeing my cat in pain. ask me, what should i do? i cant even cry in front of my cat anymore because it will only hurt my cats feelings. things happened to be worse when these last few days i found out that the baby kittens caught up some cold (they keep on sneezing and having green mucus all over their nose). and when today i was cleaning up the cage for Tam Tam (the one who is sick, we call him that cuz he is all in black) i noticed another spot of boil which will eventually turn out to be chronic ulcer on his skin. the only thing that made me felt relieved was that to hear his deep voice meowing to me, asking for food. the pain is killing him slowly inside...i know.

oh Allah, i can only turn to You.

in this blessed month of Ramadhan, embrace yourself with lots of amalan amalan sunnat and most importantly, dont forget the fardhu ain..for you may not know how long will you live in this world. and for you may not taste the sweetness of Ramadhan again next year. Allah knows better of what He had determined for us. the world has been shaken by the health hazards and we Muslims still have the usually forgotten antidote; our prayers to Allah The Most Merciful.

i believe, Allah hears us all.

welcome Ramadhan, may we all be blessed. ameen.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Musleh (i)

Athirah, u really wanna noe how crazy i was in Musleh debate huhh? =)

My juniors (Amira and Raihan) had to use their force against me as i was trying to back away from the decision i made 5 days ago; participating in the MUSLEH debate. Seriously, i called my mom to pick me up from school but instead, she scolded me by saying its the decision that i had to face the consequences from . she was against me debating after IIU but somehow, i managed to survive this time.

Upon arriving, my hands hurt badly plus all the great feelings i felt 5 days ago when i made the decision was somewhat gone. to keep myself calm, i calm the other person beside me whom i think was nervous too; Laila. i promised her that we were here not to win but to have some fun. even Fakhry assured us with that. so his mom checked us in and it was time to see the rooms. some guy picked up our bags and got into the lift before us. i could see everyone going in and before i knew it, i stopped Laila from going with them because the lift were already cramped up with people. the lift closed itself and me and Laila was staring at each other while thinking "what in the world should we do next?" when suddenly Fakhry called us and told us to head up level 9. Cing! another lift arrived and we were pretty excited to cruise this hotel by ourselves. Laila pushed the button "9" and the lift just wont go up. i tried a few times with all those "bismillah" but still, nothing happened. we tried EVERY SINGLE button that could be pushed but the farthest that we could go is level 3. okkk.... dont panick wanie! right now, you are the big sister. i bet Laila panicked too but we were just too cool to admit that. we went out to level 3 and tried another lift but the same thing happened. in fact, we tried all 4 lifts and it just wont let us to level 9!!! it was probably more than 5 minutes now. the last resort: i looked up to Laila helplessly while saying... " Laila, call Fakhry." then we started laughing like crazy! we were passing the phone to each other, refusing to call them and were wondering how would they react when they heard this. in the end, Laila called and Fakhry started giving instructions as if we never been in a lift before. "push the 'close' button, and then push '9'". poor Laila. i could hear them laughing from the other side but i couldnt help myself either! by now, i still couldnt stop laughing. so we just hung up and said to each other maybe Allah tak mengizinkan and then laugh again! suddenly, a lady went in the same lift with us and we saw what she did!! she put some card inside the card holder and then pressed the level she wanted. my mouth twitched with wicked smile and we pretended like we wanted to go to level 3. the truth; we so badly wanted to press the button '9' while the lady was putting the card in!!!! but then the lady sent us out to level 3 and we were pretty embarrassed because the lady said something like "budak budak ni, dh level 3 pun x sedar ke? berangan ape lah." it didnt matter cuz now we know!!! Laila called Fakhry again to inform him about the card needed and our laughs exploded again. so in the end, Fakhry came with the card in saviour!

in the room, we resumed coughing. the laughs were too much. but what caught our attention the most was the bed. it was so comfy and fluffy that we decided to test drive! we jumped up and down the bed while laughing crazily till we went dizzy and thats when we were told to go downstairs to have our early dinner. so having dinner with Fakhry's family was pretty numb to me. i always couldnt get along with the adults because eventually, i would end up embarrassing myself (either makanan tertumpah or anything...). worse, i still couldnt get my head straight and continued laughing with Laila. Laila didnt know what to eat after having to look at the menu because we werent used to having meals at hotels paid by somebody else. so i rushed her by ordering fish and chip for her and kuay teow for me plus two warm water. we eyed Fakhry and Arif and they ordered themselves some orangey water! not fair! soon, Laila's fish and chip arrived, and it was being served in a basket with no plates. gelak lagi! Laila thought i ordered the fish and chip for me so she refused to eat it while i said it was impossible for me to order two dishes at the same time...the fish and chip was ordered for you.. i didnt know Laila had some dislikes towards oily fish. sorry Laila! so i promised to share my kuay teow with her. Luckily, this one cute girl, Nadia helped us finished Laila's fish and chip (well she ate mostly the chips). we were pretty overjoyed by her presence. she wrote our names on a peice of napkin by secretly looking at our nametags on our tudung. she even spelled "syazwani" correctly. im impressed. i replied to her by writing "i <3 u" and she started writing "i <3 syazwani and Laila" many times while saying "crush" to me which meant she liked me or something? ha ha ha. it was pretty hilarious because a kid so young could have a crush on me. i wouldnt mind that since she was so cute. ha ha ha. Laila was pretty jealous cuz she wrote my long name a lot more than she wrote 'Laila' .

so the hyper part came in when SRI Ayeshans people arrived. we went back to our room and found them. they were friendly. and they laughed A LOT! one thing im sure of, there wont be any moody nights so that was somekind of relief. before arriving, Fakhry told me i needed to take care of the kids. honestly, they looked very matured compared to their age. and they were lucky enough to be here. when i was form 1 and form 2, i couldnt dream of going to places like this with my friends. all i ever did was open up some academic books and read them silently in class. i couldnt dare to speak up in class even in B.Melayu. and they came here to debate?! envy..envy..

after the embarrassing moments i had in the lift, i thought my day was over . NOT! i did another embarrassing act in front of the SRI Ayeshans. after Iman did her ironing, it was my turn to iron the clothes. while ironing, i spoke nonchalantly with Kamalia who was beside me at that time. i noticed that the iron wasnt that hot and it didnt actually get my clothes straight. so i asked around "korang mmg iron baju komot komot jugak ke?" when suddenly Iman went up to me and said " have u switched on the plug?". the girls laughed heartlessly and i couldnt help joining them too. Laila was pretty nasty. she was supposed to back me up instead she was the loudest to laugh!

as noticed, we were late for the opening ceremony because of some transportation problem. not that i blame ustz zaki for that. we werent supposed to be here, anyway. but opening the door towards the hall and seeing familiar faces; i only noticed Athirah, Dalila and k.Fahna at that time, it made as if coming here was worthwhile after all. we could only wave at each other and me and Laila had to move ourselves to the back to find seats. after the speech ended, ustz zaki wanted to find us dinners but i managed to girlishly hug SMIH people! introduced Laila to them, and well... Athirah didnt quite look at me in the eye at that time (i noticed ok!) =). she was more interested in... (ok now, dont kill me like u wanted to kill k.hanan!) ha ha ha. sincerely, meeting them again after leaving IIU behind so early made me VERY HAPPY. i was thrilled to have a match against SMIH too, only that didnt happen.

so back at the hotel, i was sleepy! and i could see that Laila's eyes were somewhat bulging red. and after the happy meetings with SMIH, i realized that we didnt actually do anything yet for tomorrow's debate! All of us decided to have some discussions. around 12 midnight, we went downstairs to the lobby and asked permission to sit in the cafeteria. Fakhry started explaining the roles of the first speaker to Arif. Arif, knowing him as the otak berangan, cracked up some jokes and unfortunately i only focused on the jokes rather than what Fakhry had been saying (im not sure about Laila and Arif. but i guess they DID listen cuz they did well the next morning.)we did A lot of silly things instead of sleeping. Arif played the cafeteria's fork and we joked about the person who is going to use the fork the next morning. Arif gobbled a mouthful of my chips and excused himself by saying he was angry. Laila barely eat and Fakhry only had the crumbs. for once, the four of us sat down together like we didnt have anything BIG coming up tomorrow. one thing i learnt from Arif was that he questioned the looks i made when i was about to say something. that never came across to me before. he said i made some weird faces as thought im thinking something unusual before pointing out my veiw. so yes that annoyed me because i always thought that i did nothing like that and now i have to watch my face in front of him. people always thought that i was hard to read by those expressions but in other way, those expression made it even easier for them to read me. an open book ehh? and with that, came this background sound coming from the lobby. Arif even made jokes about that. whenever we were laughing, the lobby put on a mozart or some harmony musical sounds some hotels always play. when i said something serious, the sound would go 'tzzzzzzzzzzrrrrrrtttttt' ALL the way until we laughed again. we sat there until 3 o'clock and we did a lot of laughing without practicing. we wondered how SMIH practiced seriously compared to us and we laughed again. inside, i actually panicked becuase i havent debated for LONG. why was i here, once again? again, because of the tight up condition..there was no one around to go with that sudden tolerance.still, i told myself that i would have a great time tomorrow no matter what turned out. with my new team mates, Laila and Arif...a new experience shall begin.

how in the world should things go right tomorrow?? never mind. lets sleep first, think about that later. ignoring Laila beside me still watching tv, i shut my eyes closed.

Day One Ended.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

First post! clique~


ohh ive been keeping this blog to myself for a long time and now suddenly i have the urge to write...gibberish??? ehehehehe.

whats been going on about?

firstly, yes im in the middle of my august test which isnt any surprise why im writing this instead of studying. cuz i dont study! uhh. that was a bit of understatement. i mean, i have lost my hope of studying for this test because too much has been happening and i couldnt catch up so,,.. here i am. but still, trying to unexpect the expeected (meaning that if i flunk out add mths, i will just smile and pretend like i got an A). ohh and how i hate bio! for even thinking that i would pass without studying. enough of exams. one more day left and im over it!

too much has been happening huh?

Laila was just talking to me about her mother's threatens (sounds like my mom too, laila). her mom said that if she failed for this test, she will have to stay away from debate. and if she fails for end-of-year exams, she will have to quit debate. QUIT? and she's in F2? no i wont allow that! so now i have to do classes with amira, laila and arif. LOL. but if that makes them happy, i'll help as much as i can.

one thing i have to agree with, my debate family has "changed" somehow.. one way or another, i cant deny it anymore .............