Thursday, June 17, 2010

The freedom that was never mine.

From when I was still little, Ive always wished to be given some freedom. What freedom at that time, I dont noe. But yeah u got the idea when I say I was into music like "Im like a bird-nellie furtado" , I really wished to be given the wings to finally be able to go anywhere. Free from whatever it was that was holding me back....

When I was six, I could say I was already lucky enough. I already got the chance to hop on to a plane and flew to somewhere like Turki and Australia. A chance to see the world. but was it the real freedom that I could call? some other times, I could only stare from the window, how my neighbourhood friends would always play "baling selipar" as soon as the clock striked 4.30 pm everyday. and by that time I would have to yield to my parents order of making me go to the Quran class. yes, after some time I did get to play with them during the weekends. I did, but it wasnt often and regular. How I would grumble, that even when I did get to play with them some times, they would always forget my name. because they didnt see me often, and they thought I was weird, not knowing what I would do every evening besides playing as a kid....

When I was seven, I grew up not to be some kid who cried every morning whenever my parents sent me to primary schools. I grew up to still have the desire of tasting the freedom Ive always pictured in my head, but again I wasnt given that. when I thought I could make up with my neighbourhood friends this time by schooling together with them, I was wrong. I ended up being the only one in the neighbourhood to be sent to an islamic school, SRAI BBB, while the rest had their fun at the nearest school near our neighbourhood, SK J3. What freedom was I talking about, when I couldnt even choose my school and my friends. What freedom was I talking about, when my sole purpose of life at that time was only to look things from behind my parents eyes. I hid the true feelings I felt everytime I went to school for that year, not crying and not smiling.

When I was twelve, I couldnt but wait patiently for Hari raya. because only that time would my parents let me out to hang out with my friends. "beraya ke rumah kawan," that would be the term at that time. but for me, that was always my window of getting to taste the bit freedom that I wanted all along. I would laugh very hard and smile my every way when that time comes. so far, that was what I remembered until now. What I meant by the freedom that I want.

When I turned fifteen, I started to use my own thinking, having to differentiate between whats good and whats bad. Life in the adolesence was full of curiosity, adventure, FUN and finding out our identities, they say. The taste of freedom was yet to be tasted. yeah, to be honest at this time around I started seeing "boys" as real boys, and not just friends (Im dead if my mom reads this). when finally, slowly I got to feel that each day my parents were being more lenient with me, and I could almost feel my wings, fighting for the flight they always wanted. Alas, deep inside, there was a tiny bit of me that questioned whether this is the RIGHT freedom. But again, Alas, that part was only a tiny bit...

Now when Im here, to be what I am, Nothing has been more clearer than this. Im seventeen, the age where everyone would be thrilled at. The last year of being in secondary schools. and yes, sometimes I would question myself; have I got the freedom that I wanted? come on, Im already seventeen! I laugh at that possibility, where I could see two different worlds falling apart from me. This side I would have friends who would think that hanging out together with friends, watching movies in cinemas, and go shopping for long hours are the peak times of their adolesence. On the other side, I would have friends that their parents didnt even allow them to go to Seven-E in front of their house without any companion/muraqib.

Alhamdulillah, I understand now.

Freedom is what we call the free will that we get when doing things that we do. The RIGHT freedom is being able to do the things we believe in and like to do, ONLY knowing that the things we believe in is the RIGHT thing. we dont need to hang out with friends at shopping malls to be called free. because someone close to me once said, " the truest freedom is by far to free ourseleves from sins ". and if we are those in Faith of Allah, trust me dear friends. that even if we finally get our wings to fly and do whatever we wanted to do all along, the wings wont fit and will be broken, because thats just not who we are... so no matter what world we are in now, or what freedom we have in our hands right now, or how far we are from our parents now, just bear in mind to do what's RIGHT. after all, we are called MUSLIMS for nothing ehh?

p/s; dedicated to Thaiyibah, me and those teenagers out there who thinks life... is lacking some freedom. LOL.