Whats Happening; i'm broken.

Sitting here and typing relentlessly, im left nothing but weakness.

i havent been to school today as i should.teacher mahmudah wants to have a 2-hours add maths class during the evening, a 2-periods of b.arab class that shouldnt be missed, a clash of chemistry class with the rehearsal of Hari Q,,.... i just couldnt make it. lying here with a weak body (demam), a hopeless mind, and an inevitable upcoming events.. at one time i would want to let it ALL out, another time i would be listening to my iPod with the highest pitch i could ever get till my ear hurts, then some times i'd rather spend reading my Quran and up to a moment when tears just rolled down the cheeks without any reason.

Sigh........... i'm broken with pieces that i couldnt even rescatter.

part of me strongly agrees that this is just the stress out of the upcoming examination. part of me says thats just crap. the whole situation have been wrong; fake (i wonder how many times have i said the word "fake"). the last debate practice have proved something to me; smiling for others is just too painful. (sounds selfish ehh?) i remember asking them "korang ada pegangan hidup x?" but right now theres no such thing in me.

these past weeks im trying hard to have a laugh with Kero and Hani. they made such silly jokes about 'fake' handphones and such that i cant help joining them. for that, i thank them. those laughs lighted me up a bit. during the evening, i will be busy talking b.arab with my debate family. all those tiredness slipped away whenever i see their determination to learn. im not asking anything in return, i dont even think of wanting to be appreciated as i can only share LITTLE of what i have. and recently, we have had our debate practice back; with a will from my Twin as an introduction. we plant in them some seed of hope; and yet everything seems so fake.

Sighh....... Hope. Im losing hope, thats just it. and I know I shouldnt be doing this.

"janganlah kamu bersikap lemah dan janganlah kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang yang paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu orang yang beriman. "

After this, Insya-Allah i'll be leaving this chapter of my life and start a new happy-ending chapter. i have to be stronger for myself, and others. i need to be closer to my Creator. this is an unfinshed journey, and its just the beginning. i cant and wont fall down.

The things i usually do before anything ; p

to my parents; im sorry that i havent been carrying your hopes and dreams on my shoulder yet. im sorry for ALL the troubles, that doesnt seem worth at all giving birth to me. im sorry if i ever break your heart in any kinds of ways (i know i do). im sorry... that i desperately need u in my life.

to my siblings; im sorry for all the quarrels. im sorry that ive been ignoring ur existence in the house in times of my mood swings ;p im sorry that i didnt listen to whats right and stick up to my ego whenever i feel like doing so. im sorry that ive been asking u to get out from the room whenever i feel annoyed (well korang used to do that to me when i was little righ???). im sorry that mom picked me up from the garbage can (as prescribed by my sister of how do i exist in the first place. lol.) im sorry... that i havent become a better person.

to my debate family;im sorry, if any of u detected my stressful tone when i motivated u guys (i doubt it). im sorry that i told u to believe in yourself whereas i dont believe in myself. im sorry if i give u too much pressure by stressing out my hopes and dreams for everyone of us. im sorry that sometimes i fake a laugh at the jokes in times of moody.im sorry for a lot of things that mayb the f1 and f2 cant understand yet. im sorry... if i turn out selfish and couldnt be there with u guys.

above all that, this chapter taught me something. this chapter will be compiled with other chapters to show that i grew up from these situations and will become a better person some day... i must not give in, i must not give up. together in this world we live to pursue our hopes and dreams, with great determination and endurance, for come hell or high water, we will always be together. to search for Allah's blessings in life, is no playful matter. to reach out His unrequitted love, is no weak challenge. to fight in His way, ill be needing lots of more than this.

insya-Allah, i will grow up from this.

in search of light,
wanie.