[sigh]

4th of Ramadhan: i lost a part of my self.



Tam Tam (u can see that its all in black..) left me today with nothing. i sounded like i have just gone through a break up in relationship but its WORSE than that (not that i noe how does it feel to break up with someone.,.,,.). Tam Tam is in fact the only thing that i could focus on these last few months. he (well Tam Tam is jantan) is in fact the lemon of my heart, the durian of my soul.



he left me, for Allah's greater Love.



he had been infected by a fungal disease called sporotrichosis and had been suffering for almost three months. for those out there who havent been in this situation before, u couldnt imagine what it felt, loving and being loved by other creatures aside from human beings. their love is unconditionally blind. the feeling when he greeted me home as if he'd been waiting for me from the start (padahal baru balik menggatal dengan kucing sebelah), the sound of his different tones of meows, u could tell whether he's angry or hungry or even disappointed, the apologetic looks he gave when he did something wrong...or even the concerned looks he made as though he understands it perfectly from the beginning when i told him my problems.



at first, i thought that the bruises on his skin were normal because Tam Tam in real life is a very tough fighter. he acted as if he's the protector of the house; chasing and getting rid of every single cat that passes his territory except for his family circle. whats funny is that being a cat, he couldnt actually identify which one is in his family circle and which one isnt. sometimes we caught him chasing and bashing out his own mother and in the end we had to interfere and i was the one who would scold him and said "nak jadi anak derhaka???". day by day, i couldnt care less about his bruises getting redder and said to myself that the wounds would heal by themselves. that was mistake number one. i was so busy that i had to focus on hafazan, studies and debate (God knows why im so active this year. last year nobody wanted me) and eventually, i ignored him.



not long, i felt something was not right and i asked my mom to bring him to the vet. the vet was very friendly he instantly called Tam Tam 'sayang' after first hand meeting him. but along with that, he gave me a stern look while taking some sample out of his bruises to be checked under the microscope. in the end, it turned out to be grapy-shaped as confirmed by the vet, its not normal bruises but instead, its a fungal infection. right after that, the vet gave us two choices; either putting him to sleep or having the risk to be infected too by taking care of him. we were undecided. we had to put him there for a week because no body was around to give him the antidote (i was away, ihtifal SMKA). Thank you, doctor.. i know u took care of Tam Tam the right way.



i asked my mom to be considerate and questioned her on what term do we have the right to take the creature's life. so we kept him, with preventive measures taken and all (i had to wear masks and latex gloves to be in one meter radius from him). i could see that he appreciated the decision we decided on. and he tried his best too (he was the best patient ive ever treated. feeding him the antidote was always easy for me).

but in the end, it was too late. treating fungal disease is not as simple as u think. im not sure of how does it develop inside the body but later this time the fungus had infected his internal organs. his last few days were spent moewing at me at every chance he had. while i feed him with the antidote and put some cream over his ulcer, he didnt budge nor strike me the way he always did whenever someone got into his way. at times, his eyes were telling me that its time for me to let go. but other times his eyes begged me to do something so he could live a little while longer.

i did what i could, though it wasnt enough. i was with him till the end. and somehow, i know he wanted this to end. for he had been suffering too much keeping himself alive for my sake. for that, i am sorry. but u of all people made me realize that we cant just have our own way all the time, and its time i return Allah's possession that i once borrowed.

May Allah bless,

in memories; Tam Tam.