cordial itu seorang kawan. A friend. cordial perisa anggur.
dearest you,
I'm sorry I'm not a good friend.
I'm sorry i kept silent when you needed a say.
I'm sorry i laughed when u needed it to be silent.
I'm sorry, that i was just simply being ignorant.
i wonder to myself if this is some kinda payback.
No, its not!
I'm just afraid to get closer.
im afraid to stir the calmness we both had.
im afraid, to relive the past.
dearest you,
find Him to pour out everything.
alas, im not to the one with the helping hand to help you in this.
please know,
i truly understand what you are feeling,
the bursting side of you, the pain,
of being torn apart inside and out..
i understand.
but dearest you,
im tired of that.
i feel like shouting at you "GROW UP!"
for that, I'm sorry again.
i hope you find your way back soon,
because i can't wait to see you standing up on your two feet,
while smiling towards me the smile you always had,
and say
"I'M BACK..."
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
a story~
"ustaz, ana dah ambil keputusan untuk berhenti menghafal quran"
tersentak ustz-ustz dan ustazah yang berada di dalam Jabatan Quran mendengar kenyataan yang keluar dari mulut Hafiz.
"ustaz nak tanya kenapa enta cakap mcm tu..?"soal guru tasmi' hafiz yang kini duduk berhadapan dengan Hafiz
"ustaz, ana rasa tak mampu dah nak teruskan menghafal dengan cara mcm ni. hari2 ana stress, yg paling teruknya stress dengan Quran. orang lain dekat luar tu ustaz, kalau depa stress lah depa cari Quran. ana sebab mengadap Quran tiap2 hari ana jadi stress. ana rasa kalau ana habiskan Quran ni pun belum tentu ana akan adil dengan hafalan ana. bila ana fikir mcm tu lagi lah ana stress ustaz!" terang Hafiz panjang lebar.
"enta tak ingat ke harapan mak ayah enta yang ingin lihat anak sulungnya menghafal Quran? enta tak terkenang ke kenapa mak ayah enta bagi nama Hafiz pada enta?" ustz itu terus terusan menanya. Hafiz ni bukan tak boleh buat, dia saja yang kurang yakin pd diri sendiri.
"ahh, ustaz.. itu dulu. ayah ana bagi nama itu bukan ada apa2. lagipun maksud Hafiz tu menjaga, tiada kaitan dengan menghafal Quran. lagipun waktu mula2 masuk sini, ana rasa ana terikut2 dengan program motivasi yang disediakan. haluan siswa lah, mafatih mahabbah lah... semua tu lakonan lah ustaz! ana dah tanya dah senior2, mereka semua memang pandai berlakon.."
Astaghfirullah... budak ni, aku hilang sabar jugak nnt. kata ustaz dalam hati.
"takpe Hafiz, enta balik dulu. ana nak enta fikirkan balik kata2 enta pd ana. dan fikirkan semula reaksi mak ayah enta kalau mereka dengar enta cakap begini. ana rasa enta emosi sekarang dengan keputusan imtihan sem 1 yang baru keluar. walaupun ana tengok enta boleh je, siap dapat 3.5.. mungkin general general syaitan dekat DQ ni sedang bekerja kuat nak mematahkan semangat enta yg tinggi, yg ana pernah lihat suatu masa dulu. gaya enta cakap dengan ana ni, mcm enta sedang beritahu ana yang Allah itu zalim kerana meletakkan enta di sini, betul?"
Hafiz pula yang tersentak. dia tunduk menghadap lantai
ustz kemudian menyambung
" enta sendiri tak berani nak bersuara bila ana dah ckp mcm tu kan.. ana bukan nak marah enta hafiz. enta budak cemerlang malah ana yakin enta mampu memikul amanah Allah ini utk menghafal. jangan memperlekehkan diri sendiri hafiz. enta ada Allah, mak ayah, sahabat2 dekat sini yang sentiasa mendoakan enta. akal kita bila berfikir mesti didorong oleh hati, mulut bila berkata-kata mest didorong dengan hati. dan hati yang mendorong itu mestilah bersih. bagaimana lagi enta nak bersihkan hati enta kalau bukan dengan Quran...?"
"ana minta maaf ustaz. mungkin ana terlalu stress..."
"enta balik dulu asrama ye, enta fikirkan semula. nah ustaz pulangkan kembali surat berhenti enta ni. ana tak boleh terima surat ni selagi enta tak betul2 bagi alasan yang kukuh.. enta dah juzu' berapa skrg ni?"
"juz 16, nak masuk surah taha" balas Hafiz perlahan sambil tertunduk.
"ahsanta. enta teruskan menghafal dulu. hayatilah maksud surah taha tu..........Assalamualaikum"
*****
Hafiz berjalan mundar mandir di sekitar kafe. perutnya terasa lapar, namun hatinya tidak tenang. di tangannya masih tersemat surat yang ustz Safwan pulangkan.
setelah beberapa ketika hafiz membuat keputusan untuk pulang sahaja ke asrama utk bersiap sedia ke masjid bg menunaikan solat zohor berjemaah.
sampai di hadapan pintu bilik hafiz, terselit sekeping nota kecil berwarna kuning di celah pintu. Hafiz kenal tulisan itu,.. itu tulisan akh marwan. akh marwan, abang sem 6 yang selalu tersenyum kepadanya walaupun die yakin akh marwan tidak begitu mengenalinya. hafiz menarik nota kecil itu dan membacanya.
"jangan cuba dikawal arah taufan,
tetapi kawallah layar kehidupan,
tak perlu diukur dalamnya lautan,
tapi panjangkanlah kail yang sejengkal."
hafiz mendengus. amboii akh ni, mcm ada telepathy je. mcm tau2 je masalah aku nak berhenti hafal Quran. alah, akh memang suka dengan bahasa jiwang sastera dia. tak habis2 nak berpantun, bersajak.
Hafiz merenyuk nota kecil itu dan menyimpannya di dalam pencil case. malas aku nak layan akh ni, skrg aku ada masalah yg lebih besar, desis hati hafiz. namun hati kecil nya sedikit sebanyak...tersentuh dengan kata-kata akh marwan.
"ALLAHUAKBAR, ALLAHUAKBAR!" -Azan zuhur berkumandang.
Hafiz bergegas mengambil wudhu' dan segera membonceng basikalnya ke masjid DQ untuk menunaikan solat berjemaah.
"Allahuakbar......(Allah Maha Besar)" dan seisi warga DQ mengangkat Takbir.
**** 2bcont
tersentak ustz-ustz dan ustazah yang berada di dalam Jabatan Quran mendengar kenyataan yang keluar dari mulut Hafiz.
"ustaz nak tanya kenapa enta cakap mcm tu..?"soal guru tasmi' hafiz yang kini duduk berhadapan dengan Hafiz
"ustaz, ana rasa tak mampu dah nak teruskan menghafal dengan cara mcm ni. hari2 ana stress, yg paling teruknya stress dengan Quran. orang lain dekat luar tu ustaz, kalau depa stress lah depa cari Quran. ana sebab mengadap Quran tiap2 hari ana jadi stress. ana rasa kalau ana habiskan Quran ni pun belum tentu ana akan adil dengan hafalan ana. bila ana fikir mcm tu lagi lah ana stress ustaz!" terang Hafiz panjang lebar.
"enta tak ingat ke harapan mak ayah enta yang ingin lihat anak sulungnya menghafal Quran? enta tak terkenang ke kenapa mak ayah enta bagi nama Hafiz pada enta?" ustz itu terus terusan menanya. Hafiz ni bukan tak boleh buat, dia saja yang kurang yakin pd diri sendiri.
"ahh, ustaz.. itu dulu. ayah ana bagi nama itu bukan ada apa2. lagipun maksud Hafiz tu menjaga, tiada kaitan dengan menghafal Quran. lagipun waktu mula2 masuk sini, ana rasa ana terikut2 dengan program motivasi yang disediakan. haluan siswa lah, mafatih mahabbah lah... semua tu lakonan lah ustaz! ana dah tanya dah senior2, mereka semua memang pandai berlakon.."
Astaghfirullah... budak ni, aku hilang sabar jugak nnt. kata ustaz dalam hati.
"takpe Hafiz, enta balik dulu. ana nak enta fikirkan balik kata2 enta pd ana. dan fikirkan semula reaksi mak ayah enta kalau mereka dengar enta cakap begini. ana rasa enta emosi sekarang dengan keputusan imtihan sem 1 yang baru keluar. walaupun ana tengok enta boleh je, siap dapat 3.5.. mungkin general general syaitan dekat DQ ni sedang bekerja kuat nak mematahkan semangat enta yg tinggi, yg ana pernah lihat suatu masa dulu. gaya enta cakap dengan ana ni, mcm enta sedang beritahu ana yang Allah itu zalim kerana meletakkan enta di sini, betul?"
Hafiz pula yang tersentak. dia tunduk menghadap lantai
ustz kemudian menyambung
" enta sendiri tak berani nak bersuara bila ana dah ckp mcm tu kan.. ana bukan nak marah enta hafiz. enta budak cemerlang malah ana yakin enta mampu memikul amanah Allah ini utk menghafal. jangan memperlekehkan diri sendiri hafiz. enta ada Allah, mak ayah, sahabat2 dekat sini yang sentiasa mendoakan enta. akal kita bila berfikir mesti didorong oleh hati, mulut bila berkata-kata mest didorong dengan hati. dan hati yang mendorong itu mestilah bersih. bagaimana lagi enta nak bersihkan hati enta kalau bukan dengan Quran...?"
"ana minta maaf ustaz. mungkin ana terlalu stress..."
"enta balik dulu asrama ye, enta fikirkan semula. nah ustaz pulangkan kembali surat berhenti enta ni. ana tak boleh terima surat ni selagi enta tak betul2 bagi alasan yang kukuh.. enta dah juzu' berapa skrg ni?"
"juz 16, nak masuk surah taha" balas Hafiz perlahan sambil tertunduk.
"ahsanta. enta teruskan menghafal dulu. hayatilah maksud surah taha tu..........Assalamualaikum"
*****
Hafiz berjalan mundar mandir di sekitar kafe. perutnya terasa lapar, namun hatinya tidak tenang. di tangannya masih tersemat surat yang ustz Safwan pulangkan.
setelah beberapa ketika hafiz membuat keputusan untuk pulang sahaja ke asrama utk bersiap sedia ke masjid bg menunaikan solat zohor berjemaah.
sampai di hadapan pintu bilik hafiz, terselit sekeping nota kecil berwarna kuning di celah pintu. Hafiz kenal tulisan itu,.. itu tulisan akh marwan. akh marwan, abang sem 6 yang selalu tersenyum kepadanya walaupun die yakin akh marwan tidak begitu mengenalinya. hafiz menarik nota kecil itu dan membacanya.
"jangan cuba dikawal arah taufan,
tetapi kawallah layar kehidupan,
tak perlu diukur dalamnya lautan,
tapi panjangkanlah kail yang sejengkal."
hafiz mendengus. amboii akh ni, mcm ada telepathy je. mcm tau2 je masalah aku nak berhenti hafal Quran. alah, akh memang suka dengan bahasa jiwang sastera dia. tak habis2 nak berpantun, bersajak.
Hafiz merenyuk nota kecil itu dan menyimpannya di dalam pencil case. malas aku nak layan akh ni, skrg aku ada masalah yg lebih besar, desis hati hafiz. namun hati kecil nya sedikit sebanyak...tersentuh dengan kata-kata akh marwan.
"ALLAHUAKBAR, ALLAHUAKBAR!" -Azan zuhur berkumandang.
Hafiz bergegas mengambil wudhu' dan segera membonceng basikalnya ke masjid DQ untuk menunaikan solat berjemaah.
"Allahuakbar......(Allah Maha Besar)" dan seisi warga DQ mengangkat Takbir.
**** 2bcont
Engaged~!
Alhamdulillah, today the engagement of k.sarah and aqil went well~! yeppieee!
the formal talking didn't last for too long anyway, and it was great! we all had a laugh as soon as my dad started the pantun. and the funny part was pihak perempuan tak siapkan pantun pun! bt the spokesperson for the girls side was much calmer than my dad, macam orang sastera je nampak gaya. sorry lah ye, my dad orang economy. we speak statistics~ heeee.
k. sarah was gorgeous of course. we were excited jugak lah because dah lama tak perg orang bertunang. and seeing how happy she is made me smile. I've always have this warm feeling inside when it comes to family event or anything that concerns family. so here r some of the pics taken as promised. cc: nuha, hafizah.. hehe.
*nervous nak masuk rumah with hantaran,br sampai.
*the bride's side of hantaran
* dad starting the pantun. amboii banyak betul pantun~ siapa lah yg buatkannn
*k.sarah, as gorgeous as ever~ =)
*makngah nak perg sarung cincin dah.
*us cousins.
*our parents pulak bergambar
*dah bertukar dulang dh, ready to go home
*n lastly, snap lah gambar sendiri since photographer takd orang nak amekkan gamba.. ;)
all in all, HUGE thanks to Arifuddin, Izzati, Hafizah and Nuha for helping me sooo much with the engagement. though it isn't my engagement or something, bt it means a lot! jazakumullahu khairal jaza'. korang boleh jd engagement planner lah! nnt sape2 lg tunang boleh buat team planner ;) heee~
this is to end this post, may u all be blessed. we can't wait for the wedding~!
*aqil, to-be-groom takd unfortunately. he's off to china working, and adding up his savings for the maskawen~ ;)
The End.
p/s: cik pengubat hati..
heeee~
the formal talking didn't last for too long anyway, and it was great! we all had a laugh as soon as my dad started the pantun. and the funny part was pihak perempuan tak siapkan pantun pun! bt the spokesperson for the girls side was much calmer than my dad, macam orang sastera je nampak gaya. sorry lah ye, my dad orang economy. we speak statistics~ heeee.
k. sarah was gorgeous of course. we were excited jugak lah because dah lama tak perg orang bertunang. and seeing how happy she is made me smile. I've always have this warm feeling inside when it comes to family event or anything that concerns family. so here r some of the pics taken as promised. cc: nuha, hafizah.. hehe.
*nervous nak masuk rumah with hantaran,br sampai.
*the bride's side of hantaran
* dad starting the pantun. amboii banyak betul pantun~ siapa lah yg buatkannn
*k.sarah, as gorgeous as ever~ =)
*makngah nak perg sarung cincin dah.
*us cousins.
*our parents pulak bergambar
*dah bertukar dulang dh, ready to go home
*n lastly, snap lah gambar sendiri since photographer takd orang nak amekkan gamba.. ;)
all in all, HUGE thanks to Arifuddin, Izzati, Hafizah and Nuha for helping me sooo much with the engagement. though it isn't my engagement or something, bt it means a lot! jazakumullahu khairal jaza'. korang boleh jd engagement planner lah! nnt sape2 lg tunang boleh buat team planner ;) heee~
this is to end this post, may u all be blessed. we can't wait for the wedding~!
*aqil, to-be-groom takd unfortunately. he's off to china working, and adding up his savings for the maskawen~ ;)
The End.
p/s: cik pengubat hati..
heeee~
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
What is to Understand
tak terasa nak menulis. terasa nak melakar dalam minda.
most of the memories r recent, and what is to understand here is that u might find it not understandable.
*cnt believe i once read this gothic book and now its coming back to me >< JTHM
*cik pengubat hati, sometimes saya rasa rupa awak macam ni.. ;)
*its the new passion of keeping the memories
and lastly..
*its not like i planned it this Way!
**credits to sarah's book. hey, i miss u buddy~
Done.
most of the memories r recent, and what is to understand here is that u might find it not understandable.
*cnt believe i once read this gothic book and now its coming back to me >< JTHM
*cik pengubat hati, sometimes saya rasa rupa awak macam ni.. ;)
*its the new passion of keeping the memories
and lastly..
*its not like i planned it this Way!
**credits to sarah's book. hey, i miss u buddy~
Done.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Blackouts
alaykumussalam.
i was sitting in my room alone with an unsettled feeling while suddenly thinking, it was long ago since the last time our house had blackouts. the last time as far as i remembered, it was before my spm. that nite it was all hectic here, i had some addmths work to finish, but there were no signs of any proper light the whole nite, only lit-up candles and flashlights from handphones lighted us up. we were to put up with the dark til 3am in the morning. and by that time, no point switching on the lights anyway since everybody was asleep. hehh
but this story isn't about how TNB cut off our electricity to fix something in the middle of the night. its about how all of us realized at that time that we are in need of each other to feel safe when we had to face the dark. starting from the cats, my mom, my dad, and us siblings.. as soon as the light went out, the cats were the first one to relax and calm down, and of course being the last child i was the last one to stop panicking! i remembered at that time i was in the bathroom alone, in my room which is situated at the farthest sight at the back of the house upstairs. pap! and i went screaminnnggg AAAAA til my sister came to fetch me from the bathroom with a flashlight.
the whole family gathered in a room downstairs. it was basically the coolest room inside the house since the ceiling is quite high which allowed pretty good air ventilation. there, we made circles, tell each other stories...and just went on talking for the rest of the night while i tried my hardest to finish the homework. and i realized at that point, we didn't need light after all. we were all lighting each other with our own warmth, we feel safe and secured just by having each other.
i felt the warmth again this year, when it wasn't as dark as it was. there wasn't any blackouts. but our hearts were simply blackened out, emptied and we stayed with each other, get back up again. we came back from performing our umrah when we got the news that our house was robbed. everybody was traumatized, even my dad who is simply the calmest person there. the blissfulness and happiness that we got after performing our umrah in tanah haramain simply vanished the moment we opened the main door of our house. the mess, the smell of those despicable strangers lingered in the house, making us suffocate. my sister couldn't stop crying, and i never could erase that memory when i hugged her tightly and whisper the word "astaghfirullahaladzim.." to her ears. the fear and trauma was so strong that none of us could bear to enter our parents room, up until now.
and now as I'm dealing with this unsettled feeling, i wonder...we experienced the blackouts TNB always gave us but when we have a heart blackout, to whom should we turn to? to whom should we plead to? to whom should we scream to the top of our lungs saying that we need help?
HIM...
after the incident, we thought that this test meant us to become stronger and yes, Alhamdulillah we felt that way. as we perform solat jemaah together, and plead to Allah to help us calm our hearts..i could feel that the bond we have was stronger than ever. and oddly, i was reminded of that strong bond tonite.. dearest family, my heart is in need of help. its getting out of light and soon it might just went blackout. within seconds, just like how the lights went out because of the absence of electricity.
i wish..you were here.
i was sitting in my room alone with an unsettled feeling while suddenly thinking, it was long ago since the last time our house had blackouts. the last time as far as i remembered, it was before my spm. that nite it was all hectic here, i had some addmths work to finish, but there were no signs of any proper light the whole nite, only lit-up candles and flashlights from handphones lighted us up. we were to put up with the dark til 3am in the morning. and by that time, no point switching on the lights anyway since everybody was asleep. hehh
but this story isn't about how TNB cut off our electricity to fix something in the middle of the night. its about how all of us realized at that time that we are in need of each other to feel safe when we had to face the dark. starting from the cats, my mom, my dad, and us siblings.. as soon as the light went out, the cats were the first one to relax and calm down, and of course being the last child i was the last one to stop panicking! i remembered at that time i was in the bathroom alone, in my room which is situated at the farthest sight at the back of the house upstairs. pap! and i went screaminnnggg AAAAA til my sister came to fetch me from the bathroom with a flashlight.
the whole family gathered in a room downstairs. it was basically the coolest room inside the house since the ceiling is quite high which allowed pretty good air ventilation. there, we made circles, tell each other stories...and just went on talking for the rest of the night while i tried my hardest to finish the homework. and i realized at that point, we didn't need light after all. we were all lighting each other with our own warmth, we feel safe and secured just by having each other.
i felt the warmth again this year, when it wasn't as dark as it was. there wasn't any blackouts. but our hearts were simply blackened out, emptied and we stayed with each other, get back up again. we came back from performing our umrah when we got the news that our house was robbed. everybody was traumatized, even my dad who is simply the calmest person there. the blissfulness and happiness that we got after performing our umrah in tanah haramain simply vanished the moment we opened the main door of our house. the mess, the smell of those despicable strangers lingered in the house, making us suffocate. my sister couldn't stop crying, and i never could erase that memory when i hugged her tightly and whisper the word "astaghfirullahaladzim.." to her ears. the fear and trauma was so strong that none of us could bear to enter our parents room, up until now.
and now as I'm dealing with this unsettled feeling, i wonder...we experienced the blackouts TNB always gave us but when we have a heart blackout, to whom should we turn to? to whom should we plead to? to whom should we scream to the top of our lungs saying that we need help?
HIM...
after the incident, we thought that this test meant us to become stronger and yes, Alhamdulillah we felt that way. as we perform solat jemaah together, and plead to Allah to help us calm our hearts..i could feel that the bond we have was stronger than ever. and oddly, i was reminded of that strong bond tonite.. dearest family, my heart is in need of help. its getting out of light and soon it might just went blackout. within seconds, just like how the lights went out because of the absence of electricity.
i wish..you were here.
Friday, December 9, 2011
The weapons of the Devil.
salam and greetings.
*i wonder why did i put the devil as Capital in the title above.
**mayb because its a form of emphasis that we should all be careful?
*** but its definite, i put you as capital NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE GREAT!
-syndrome orang berperang dengan hati: berkata-kata dengan diri sendiri.
since i haven't been writing, to prevent myself from writing gibberish, I've decided to start this new season of writing by writing something beneficial that i read from a book. (yes, theres too many 'writing' in the sentence, i noe)
for those who r lucky enough to find this blog and lucky enough to have the free time to read this, may we all benefit from it, insyaAllah =)
This is basically the weapons used by the devil to make us lead the wrong path and become astray. In order to become a better muslim (insyaAllah), we need to identify the devil's devious ways to make us astray. so according to Imam Ghazali, among the devil's weapons are as follows:
1. Anger
2. Lust
3. Greed and Envy
4. Satiation with Food
5. Love of adornments and properties
6. Over dependence on humans
7. Recklessness and impetuousness
8. Love for dinar, dirham and gold (money)
9. Stingyness and miserlynes
10. Fanaticism to one's own sect and group.
11. Thinking about the substance, nature and the acts of God, without the necessary knowledge.
12. Distrust of other Muslims.
erm,,.. honestly. yang list dekat atas tu pun mcm dah ade problem. especially no.1 eyy? Astaghfirullah..
hope it helps in any way if ur undergoing some muhasabah phase here~
;) hati.
*i wonder why did i put the devil as Capital in the title above.
**mayb because its a form of emphasis that we should all be careful?
*** but its definite, i put you as capital NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE GREAT!
-syndrome orang berperang dengan hati: berkata-kata dengan diri sendiri.
since i haven't been writing, to prevent myself from writing gibberish, I've decided to start this new season of writing by writing something beneficial that i read from a book. (yes, theres too many 'writing' in the sentence, i noe)
for those who r lucky enough to find this blog and lucky enough to have the free time to read this, may we all benefit from it, insyaAllah =)
This is basically the weapons used by the devil to make us lead the wrong path and become astray. In order to become a better muslim (insyaAllah), we need to identify the devil's devious ways to make us astray. so according to Imam Ghazali, among the devil's weapons are as follows:
1. Anger
2. Lust
3. Greed and Envy
4. Satiation with Food
5. Love of adornments and properties
6. Over dependence on humans
7. Recklessness and impetuousness
8. Love for dinar, dirham and gold (money)
9. Stingyness and miserlynes
10. Fanaticism to one's own sect and group.
11. Thinking about the substance, nature and the acts of God, without the necessary knowledge.
12. Distrust of other Muslims.
erm,,.. honestly. yang list dekat atas tu pun mcm dah ade problem. especially no.1 eyy? Astaghfirullah..
hope it helps in any way if ur undergoing some muhasabah phase here~
;) hati.
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