ini kisahku

salam. *post kali ni 89% dalam bahasa melayu (bahasa jiwa bangsa ehh wanie?)

what a day.

hari ni, again, saya baru terperasan yang saya dah berumur 18 tahun (please lah wani, perangai mcm dak kecik). and wat made me realize that thing once again? when today, ada satu incident di mana gerabak train ktm terbakar depan mata. lawak lah kisah dia.

at that time i was alone, and the only thing i cld do was to observe all these people around me. i saw this pakcik, grabbing the nearest fire hydrant and passing it to his friend to extinguish the fire in the train. i saw this chinese lady sitting next to me while i was reading the quran aloud, teaching her child to speak mandarin. i saw this one malay girl, who dressed out in a so improper way tat i doubted she was a malay, and a MUSLIM at first. i saw another makcik, grumbling with her friends at how long we all needed to wait for the train to be fixed. and me? wat was i thinking? i was thinking tat if only i didnt get out from tat train i'd be burned to death (and it wasnt a realy bad thing aftr all). and the best part, nobody was going to find out pun. my parents are away with my family. and the only one who wld b missing my presence was fuzzy, my dearest cat at home.

ok post ni bukan dalam bahasa melayu pun.

so after tat, bila train lain dah datang to give us a lift, again, alone i went into coach wanita tu and observe the scenery outside the window pulak. one thing tat caught my attention was, when there was this masjid, designed with architectural chinese traits, situated in a chinese neighbourhood. subhanallah! its true wat ppl say, when ur a MALAY MUSLIM, ur place is duduk diam2 dalam rumah dkt malaysia. but when ur MUSLIM, go anywhere in this world n ppl will greet u as ur their brothers and sisters.

the next tat made me realize once again, im 18 is tat... i get to take the train ALONE! lol. ya Allah. kalau ayat mak hanisah: kau tu dah lah fitnah, lepas tu jalan sorang2. tak baik tau anak dara. but then.. i dnt realy hv a muraqib do i? hehh.

so highlight for the day nak cerita train ktm terbakar je, tu je. nothing personal. but wanie cham likes it. *thumbs up. walaupun dlm hati rasanye nak meletup jantung sebab takut mati katak dkt situ.

sekian. wallahua'alm

I Am Disappointed.

Subhanallah.

I am lost. ya Allah.. wat in the world is this whole world doing?

writing this post, i so strongly hoped with all my hopes tat the person whom I could turn to the most right now would read this.. YA RASULULLAH.

dear beloved Prophet Sallahualaihiwasallam,

sadly ya rasulul amin, this person who is writing this is in an angry, despair, and disappointed state. she noes perfectly being angry is one of devils plan to destruct the human kind. but this lump in her heart cant seem to be held in any longer ya rasulullah. she wondered what in the world is wrong with her. or, wat in the world is wrong with the world.

ya rasulullah,
she is in utter despair because she thinks she is lost. she comes out of her comfort zone (dq), and found so many uncomfortable thing ya rasulullah. she noes being angry wouldnt help, but wat would help her instead, being lost in these concrete and heartless world. wat would help, if not with tears streaming down as she pours down her feelings bluntly expecting you would understand; which you do.

ya rasulullah,
wat would hve become of your ummah? wat would hv become of me? why r we like this ya rasulul amin? why havnt we follow obediently your sunnah and the quran, the things u treasured us with so that we are not lost? i beg you, my beloved prophet. please, please, spread the enlightment u once brought into this world once again now.

alas.......im afraid, if u would exist in this world once again and see us ya rasul, im very afraid, very much afraid, that u wouldnt even want to admit that we are your ummah... because of how destructive we are towards this world, because of how zalim and injustice we are towards ourselves, not putting the right thing to its right place.. ya rasul, would u still accept us and give us syafaat,,and let us drink in the well of kauthar when the Judgement Day come ya rasulullah?

ya Rasulullah,
subhanallah, betul lah kami umat akhir zaman ya mustapha. kami tidak pernah melihatmu, kami tidak pernah berbicara denganmu, tetapi kami ingin terus mentaatimu ya rasul. kami ingin bertemu denganmu di padang mahsyar, dalam keadaan tersenyum, dan engkau juga tersenyum pada kami.ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami nur dan cahaya hidayah sepanjang zaman.

amin ya rabbal alamin.

I am disappointed. i feel as if Im Alone. in this Fight. A fight i figured out the end sole of it, but never the way to reach it. i saw my family today, with no unity, no spirit, no direction. i saw my twin with my two eyes in front of me tody, alas not knowing who exactly this person is. and I saw myself today, losing control and not reflecting the person i SHOULD be, a MUSLIM.

ya Rasul........ i realy wanted to b with you as i close my eyes in my dreams.....

Macam mana nak kawal kemarahan

My name is wani. and I get angry easily. this post entitles "macam mana nak kawal kemarahan"...

I leave this post blank. bcuz.i.really.dont.noe.how.to.control.it.

sekian, ikhlas dari hati.










































.

Its OK

wanie, its OK....

wanie, ekam eveileb

wanie, saya dah sangat sangat sangat penat nak cakap.

wanie, saya tak nak pergi sekolah esok, (boleh tak?)

wanie, apa rasa jadi selfish? (mesti busuk sebab jual ikan)

wanie, ..

yes?

wanie, ..

ye awak nak ape?!

+ i think im losing it..

- this is part of the test lahh (pats myself on the back)

**lights were put off. stage gelap. ala gaya hidup seseorang tu dah berakhir...

and the last voice i heard whispered to me,

Wanie, its OK...............................

Dunia Baru dan Dunia Lama

Salam alaikum.

*sy sangat penat, post ini adalah dalam dwibahasa.

to be honest, i havent been writing this emo-type post thing for a long time. but now, i feel like doing do.

ive been having quite a crisis when i decided to enter this Darul Quran (yes, i noe selalu sangat cakap pasal tempat ni recently). in fact, it was a huge blow for me, not having to attend school with my friends anymore. for five years, ive been busy ranting about maahad and finally i began to love the school and accept all of its imperfection. but when that happened, the realization came in too late for i, have to leave in a relentless way (i finished my SPM alrdy, ni kira hukum wajib tinggalkan sekolah).

So it happened, that a week after that I decided to enter this institution named Darul Quran (for the hundreth time, its a place where u memorize the quran). and ever since, ive been in a process where they call "being torn apart inside and out", you see, DQ is a place where it gives us a platform to become better and do good deeds all the time. the rules that were set there, gives me headache sometimes. like what is the exact guidelines to become gud, and what is the seperation between being good and being jumud (kolot)? little small things were being questioned inside my head. for me, small things like ordering people to salam cium tangan to seniors because the seniors think that if u dont do that then u dont respect them, its messy and shouldnt be brought upon in the first place. yes, i do respect my seniors and i love them dearly because they have been a great help to me, and since they have shown me a great example of how to be a gud muslimah. but inside my head stil swirling, does salam cium tangan is so very important to show ur respect only in that angle til it has to be made into mandatory..? i have to admit, i question a lot there.

people say, that i was lucky to be able to go there. but for me, if just going there without getting an understanding is just the same as not going there. and i, known for someone who is very slow at picking up things find it hard to make myself understand. with all these questions in my head, with all these blabbering, i was confused. and not to mention, first time living in hostel where u dont get the privacy all the time.. when the only private place u could cry and let out ur tears is the toilet, for some weeks i shun myself out from the society. i didnt go and solat berjemaah often as i would always have to put up this plastic smile on my face. i didnt go and eat at dewan makan as i would always have to interact with people. in class, i would just stare at my Quran, not wanting to socialize with my classmates because im afraid that i would start again questioning: what am i doing here exactly..?!

im not proud of myself when i question these things. im not proud when people i always gave out sharp reviews on things that arent supposed to be reviewed back by the juniors (we just have to follow). i tried to be better, i tried to listen to others. but i guess im just too stubborn to follow other people blindly..

as time goes by, i began to miss my big old times with my family and friends. pictures of memories in maahad swarmed my thoughts even as i was focussing to memorise the verses of quran. yes, torn apart inside and out. when u try to change for the better in a place where everything seems so angelic, and when thinking about ur memories u used to build up back at home. now that im home, the feeling gets stronger. i see my family, moving on with their lives and the wonderful smile my mom always give to me. i see my friends, learning how to drive and taking their licenses, pergi kelas memasak, ajar budak2 mengaji and become ustazah, doing programmes at school. i see my debate family, striving hard to debate with honorary. and when i see those things i feel a spang of sadness deep, deep inside. im in a place where im still trying hard to searh for myself, making sure i realy understand the true context of Islam, while at the same time i see my family and friends, moving forward without me...

dear family,
my dad wasnt the best person to converse to when i arrived home, because he was always too enthusiastic to ask about DQ to me till he wont let me ask much about him. dad, ive always wanted to ask if ur healthy, if ur taking really gud care of mom instead of being a workaholic reading ur students thesis everytime.. mom, ive always wanted to listen to ur rantings and blabbering, ive always wanted to kiss u in the face and tell u that dont worry about me, because im more worried about u.. sisters, ive always wanted u to understand how lucky u guys are to be able to see mom everyday. ive always wanted to yell at u guys and tell u not to hurt mom anymore by ignoring the things that she wished her daughters would oblige her. if and only if u knew, how precious it is to see mom still there smiling for us..

dear debate family,
i was notified that u guys are in a really gud shape, trained by Fakhry and Muhammad. both of them r really great people and u cld learn a lot of things. but i see, i want a place too. i want to debate with u guys, and smile with u guys, and be as talkative and as chattery as i can with u guys. dear family, did u leave an empty place for me, just so i cld feel like im with u always? yes, im jealous and upset that i compare myself as being caged there than u guys who cld have all the fun u want in maahad. u guys r my family, for two years ive been facing hell n high water with u. i cant bear to see someone else is taking my place and therefore i cant be seen or heard anymore. thanks raihan, for calling me. for i wish we could talk for one whole day. moreover, i wish we cld meet up forever and hold hands for a great length of time. until my hands get wet (ok, this is a joke). bt the feeling of being left, n not being part of u guys anymore..its a great feeling to bear.

dear friends,
thaiyibah sayang, iman shii, azlynnn next-door neighbour, please manfaatkan ur holidays as much as u can. theres soo many gud things that u can do out there. i wished i cld sit back next to azlyn in class, and solve addmths together with her sambil dengar azlyn membebel. i wish i cld do so many things together with u guys. iman, i apologize that everytime u wanna talk i was always so busy. and when u asked to hang around and go out, i mainly refused. i love to do that with u someday, when my head is less screwed, when i cld breathe properly again, and when wani, cld really understand who in the world she is.

dunia baru..dunia lama, i dnt see like that. im still me, im still stubborn, im still searching for answers, i still need help. bt do other people see me living at grand in my new world, thinking that for once i didnt turn back and reminisce every single memory that i cld remember with u guys? i hope not.

when saying these things, my twin would say: wani, u have to be grateful. u cant be choosy. kena belajar sabar. jangan jadi anak manja. u want everything, thats ur problem. im trying twin, im really trying. sometimes i fall with it, sometimes i say i have to get out from this comfort zone. sometimes i fell back tired, sometimes i smile after all the tiredness. sometimes i lose to myself, sometimes im confused. sometimes i want to say everything in my mind right here right now, and sometimes i would only express it by a drop of tear. the fact that i noe im learning from all these things, would it change anything? would it be gud enough to continue living and be proud of it twin? would it help me cease the jealousy i have to the world everyone is having without me while i was to put up with my life feeling caged in DQ for not understanding why i was realy there?

its the feeling of home, and i so badly want to say im home..

this emo post ends. here.

wallahua'alam.

Ikhtilad..? Muamalat..?

Sallu alaihiwassalam, ya habibullah, Muhammad ya Rasulullah.

Assalamualaikum.

*drum rollsss. IM Home! =)

ok, no matter that now.
tapi balik2 je dr Darul Quran, mesti rasa macam saya tertinggal satu zaman drpd dunia luar. kadang2 rasa lawak, isu semasa tahu..(Revolusi mesir dn tunisia..not like i dont noe..), tapi..still rasa macam tahun 1966. hehh, tak lahir lg waktu tu.
A tale i would like to share with anyone who cares to read.

i was left with a lot of questions inside my head. these people in DQ are too gud to be true, in fact too gud that i perhaps wasnt gud enough to be here, i thought. but as i stayed n watched, even when the feeling of not being gud enough stil lingers, i learnt a lot of things just from staying quiet and observing (well, people who knew me knew quite well i didnt stay quiet pun.).

Case no. 1:
A programme was held last week for IQRac (Intelectual Quranic Generation Club) semester 1 called the THE FAITH (the futurisation of intelectual huffaz), where we talked about the basics in Islam. what is exactly Aqidah, Ibadah, Akhlak, and why these things are so important in our lives (sounds boring rite..? dnt judge a book by its cover). among the current issues that we talked about there was about ikhtilad and muamalat. and i was.....muamalat..?! errrr, yang bank2 tu ke? of course im aware of ikhtilad (im not that dumb ok) but bila cakap pasal muamalat rasa nak gelak. (tu lah, orang tak cukup ilmu kan.) muamalat dr segi bahasa ni bermaksud "to interact" and it also simply means "pergaulan antara lelaki dan perempuan". DUHH. gelak guling2 dalam hati berapa banyak kali entah, when all this while i thought "kenapa kita cakpa pasal bank ni..?" my bad.

so peeps out there,i once heard one say: asyik2 cakap pasal ikhtilad, bukan aku tak tahu tak boleh pegang2. asalkan jaga tu cukup lah. tak payah nak ulang benda tu dari zaman batu boleh tak.
but then ask urself, kenapalah Ikhtilad ni sangat ditekankan dalam Islam, sehingga dalam Quran Allah said: dan hendaklah lelaki menundukkan pandangan mereka, dan hendaklah perempuan menundukkan pandangan mereka. its a fact, memang dari zaman batu pun masalah pergaulan lelaki perempuan ni memang dah wujud, sbb tulah memang dr zaman batu perkara ni harus ditekankan. janganlah kerana selalu ditekankan, orang kata Islam ni jumud (kolot). Islam is the way of life, Islam is a beauty, Islam yang pentingnya wasathiyyah (pertengahan, tidak jumud dan tidak terbuka).

sebenarnye kalau nak ckp pasal ikhtilad je punye lah banyak perbahasan di sini. tp tuan punye diri malas nak type dengan tendon yang bengkak ni, ehehe. tapi issue kelakar di sini, saje je nak cakap yang muamalat tu pun tak tahu ape die.

tp satu lagi issue, pernah dengar orang kata mcm ni..kita lakonkan semula.
Ayam: tak tahu ke pasal agama2 ni, pergi tanya Itik. dia tu tahu banyak pasal agama.
Itik: eh, saya bukan pakar pun, sikit2 je. tak layak pun nak cakap2 ni.

iyeee, memang kita kena zuhud dan merendah diri dngn ilmu yang kita ada. but people, in this era we cant afford to say that when so many bad things are happening in this world. kalau semua orang cakap macam tu, nak merendah diri, siapa yang akan bangun untuk menegakkan islam, and therefore carry islam along in their lives? siapa yang nak make people understand what exactly is Islam all about? mcm kes, kalau masuk uia je nnt ade budak DQ tak nak mengaku dr DQ. perghh, kalau tak nak mengaku baik tak payah masuk duduk sana setahun stengah lah. baik gunakan sebaik ilmu yang kita dah peroleh tu, dan sampaikan. sebab Rasulullah kata : ballighu anni walau ayah (sampaikanlah dariku (ilmu) walau sepotng ayat).

*sorry kalau post lately ni dlm dwibahasa. dan mayb tak structurize or something. takd mase sgt kot nak fikir ayat ni. eheh. tapi harap message tu tersampai. sekian. wallahua'alam.

Mafatihul Mahabbah

its the name of our camp when i first entered dq. it means, the Key to Love , Kunci Kasih Sayang, u name it.

i wont be telling the historic events tat happened there, nor should i recall it often in my head. most of them could give me nigthmares. but what im here to talk about is what the seniors taught me during the programme.

from zero, i entered dq, they taught me how to crawl, they taught me how i could try n strengthen my legs to pull me up so i cld stand up, they taught me then how i cld direct my legs to move forward step by step and finally walk. and aftr that, i noticed tat from walking i cld actually run if i try n turn on the speed. and along the way, i was taught that i cld stop, and pause while running if i feel tired.

they taught me that, (well no, actually my parents taught me how to walk when i was little)

and i realized, in life there can be various methods in order to teach someone valuable lessons. its what we call Tarbiyah (didikan). and the important key for tarbiyah is our niat (intention). k.Azizah always reminded us bila kena marah tu "tasbih dekat tangan tu, jangan buat gelang..rantai..zikir pada Allah. ikhlaskan dan betulkan niat terima tarbiyah ni. zikir tu lembutkan hati..", so people out there, jom kita refresh balik.. whoever once got scolded by ur parents, or teachers, or sometimes u think tat ur parents wont allow u to do something and u think its unfair, remember tat every time u feel down, or bad, ikhlaskan balik niat kita untuk hidup. tats the most important thing. think of it as tarbiyah in our life. because tarbiyah itu mesti, bukan mahu. any form of tarbiyah is a must, its not whether we want it or not. (tats wat k.zianah said). and Rasulullah told us, tarbiyah itu berterusan sehingga kita mati...

post ini seakan akan bercakap dengan diri sendiri. macam ayat penyedap hati nak bg tahu dekat tuan empunya diri: wanie, sila ikhlaskan niat utk hidup, dan redha menerima apa yang akan berlaku selepas ini. wanie, Allah dah pilih jalan ini utk awak. awak akan terlepas masa bersama ibu bapa di rumah, ye awak akan terlepas pergi shopping dengan kwn dkt mall, awak akan terlepas pergi sekolah n ajar budak2 debate, awak akan terlepas jumpa cikgu2 dan borak seharian di bilik cg zubidah, tapi Janji Allah Pasti Berlaku. itu saya pegang. wanie, sila jadi budak baik ye di dq. tak ada orang nak tengok tengokkan awak dekat sana. jangan jadi gedik di sana, dan jangan buat masalah di sana. hehe.

i dnt noe whether i have found my mafatihul mahabbah yet in DQ or not..but what i noe, is i will keep on searching and searching, until i found wat ive been looking for all this while (ape benda tu, wanie?)

*sorry, post ni mcm kekelingan sikit. sekian