How Unlucky i could be in this Lucky situation.

Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah.

"Allah masih sayangkan saya", "saya masih bernafas dan hidup di atas muka bumi ini", "dan yang penting, Allah selalu maqbulkan doa saya"

ya Allah, janganlah Engkau hukum kami dengan Kekalahan...
Lalu Allah beri saya kemenangan...

Namun, apa erti sebenarnya?

Today held the Karnival Tadarus AlQuran peringkat Daerah in SMK Jalan 3. I woke up feeling nauseatic, for i had not eaten a single thing yesterday night. but i also woke up with this uneasy feeling. The feeling i never felt in my whole life as far as i knew when entering Hafazan Competition (either MTQ or Amal Islami). My voice didnt flow the way it should be that morning, and again... it was the same feeling.

My dad keep on telling me (without any compromise) that he would come and see me. Well, it wasnt exactly what he used to do, considering that he will only started watching me perform from Negeri or Kebangsaan. But in the end, he didnt really get to see me perform in real. It was just when the closing ceremony that i got to see him.

I did badly, thats all i could ever say. No part of me would have sounded like that. I didnt noe what went wrong. what i know is that the uneasy feeling accompanied me all along. It was not a lie, it was not a trick, it was not just talking. And for that, i have to say sorry to my mom and dad, ustazah zalizan and ustzah che ainu, and those who have been counting on me to do my best. i just dont feel right, and i dont noe why.

So eventually, even with all these feelings, i actually did win... Azra was crying right after her name was announced as the winner. it felt blessed to see her crying like that. for me, i felt nothing. Nothing.

so Here goes the question, How Unlucky i could be in this Lucky situation.

i could see how grateful my dad was to be there, and saw his daughter on the stage with pride, i could see how hyper my dad went when he called my mom live to hear the MC announce my name to be the winner, i could see the satisfaction in the face of my Ustazahs. but it just doesnt feel right. as if i dont deserve it after all.....

oh Allah, i noe, i truly noe that by saying we dont desrve it or something when Allah gave us the one thing that we asked from Him is called ungrateful. Forgive me oh Allah for ranting and critisizing this Lucky and Blessed situation. Alhamdulillah i could still manage to see His power by Him letting me win. But....

I feel empty.

"ya Rahman, tetapkanlah kemenangan bagi orang orang yang menjunjung kitabMu, dan jadikanlah aku dalam kalangan mereka yang menjunjung kitabMu. ya Rahim, janganlah Engkau hukum dan bebankan kami dengan kekalahan... ya Rabbi ya Karim...... tidak akan aku berdaya untuk bertahan di dunia ini dan melakukan suruhanMu andai bukan kerana KekuasaanMu.."

Daddy, may this be the most valuable present for ur upcoming birthday, and though i dont feel lucky with it, i hope u could be happy for me instead.... Love you always,.